Today, I came across this video, called The Scared is Scared.
I can get irrationally obsessed with stuff, but I really don’t think that my obsession with this is irrational! 7 minutes 52 seconds of pure perfectness.
I’m in a huge state of flux at the moment. I’m just finishing off the last part of my degree (like trying to bleed a stone…), whilst also applying for jobs and trying to mould myself into a sort of acceptable adult. Applying for jobs is harder than I expected – I knew I’d beat myself up with the rejection letters, but I’d underestimated the damage it is doing to my self esteem.
My dad tells me a story all the time about how he once knew a man who was a telephone salesman. My dad asked him how he kept so positive, when every day people are slamming the phone down on him and being rude. His friend said that it was easy – for every person that slams the phone down, that’s one closer to the person who says yes, so be thankful because now you’re even closer. I’m trying to remember that – there will be a job, and every rejection is just one closer to the one who takes you on.
But it’s not just jobs. When I was 4 my parents sent me to school and then I went throughout school, off to uni and now for the first time ever, I’m looking at being released. We’re being taken to the leccy gates of the institution and the button is being pressed and the boot is on our backside and we’re outside! For the first time ever in my life there will be nobody watching over me, checking up on me, with their expectations. The freedom should feel exhilarating – but to me, it feels completely terrifying.
I’ve never managed to create my own structure in my life (as I’m understanding the concept of ‘parts’ a bit more it’s more obvious why I will often make perfect plans but then not carry through with them), I thrive when I’m in a regular, externally controlled environment. My mental health is also best when I’m structured – in therapy, obviously, but also in my weekly timetable. So I’m really concerned about how I’m going to cope ‘on the outside’. I’m scared of becoming a drifter, but I’m even more scared of falling apart and bouncing from crisis to crisis. I’m scared of becoming ill again, scared of harming, of losing control, of killing myself. I really want to be genuinely well for the first time in my life – and although I can be all over the place I am, in general, the healthiest I have been, ever really.
I’m just terribly scared.
So all this horrid bitter tasting fear is in my mouth at the moment and it’s under my fingernails and getting into everything I do. Which I guess is why this vid really warmed my heart. Kids have an amazingly clear view of life and of course, it’s so obvious! The best way to get rid of Scared is to have lots of things you like. Extending that, the best way to overcome this fear that at times becomes overwhelming for me is to remember why I’m doing what I’m doing, and what amazing things I already have going on for me in my life.
In preparation for The End I am scrapbooking lots of coping strategies to manage that big gap. This is such an easy strategy – just list what you have that’s good! It’s my first coping strategy for making Scared scared – I’ve got my grrr back and the spring in my step.
So get running, Scared.