On Thursday, I had my last ever day at university. I still have my dissertation to finish (though it is looking quite good), but this was our final ever day as a cohort, with the last ever scheduled time together.
During the day we had a couple of lectures with speakers important to our degree, who sort of summed up what we’ve been taught in the 3 years. Then we went to some seminars with professionals who talked to us about the next stages – which was helpful. At the end of the day we had a celebration/award ceremony thing which triggered me but I will write another post about that. I was expecting to be upset by the day and the ending – but I wasn’t. I’m SO ready to leave! So ready. It was nice to see everyone and be back in the structure of a university day but really, I was bored by it and I’m done with this phase in my life. It has proven to me so clearly that all endings don’t have to be horrid – when I’m ready, they’re really quite painless! One of the lecturers described educating people as being like stabilisers on the bike. At the beginning, they need you all the time, then only when they slip, and eventually not at all – this is completely how I feel about it. I’ve loved my time at uni but really I’m ready to ditch the stabilisers and go my own way!
(As a side-note, I did shed a tear when she said this – because this is my very greatest wish for T1 and I – that one day, I’ll stop veering from side to side and using her to stabilise me.)
In the evening when went to our faculty ball – wow, an amazing night. My best friend and I got dressed up and stayed in a hotel together and just had an amazing time! Danced all evening, drank far far too much, but loved it. T1 emailed me, before we went, to say “are you praising yourself?”. For the first time ever I feel like I’m genuinely proud of myself, and goodness knows we celebrated like we were! Sometimes I feel quite distant at events like that, feeling like I don’t deserve to be happy or to be praised, like the celebration is fake for me. It’s normally wrapped up in so much self-hatred and negativity that I don’t enjoy them. But this was different. Is this the start of being proud of who I am?
Although my time in faculty is over, I still have 6 sessions to go in T and I don’t feel ready to leave there, yet. But the last few days have proved to me that I will feel ready – one day.