Welcome to episode 3 (I think, even I’m getting bored of it…) of Issues With T2.
Found myself getting very upset in my session with T1 yesterday. Everything with T2 felt overwhelming and ruined – I’d messed up, she changed around me and it wasn’t coming back. So I spent an hour very choked up yesterday, wondering whether I should just end it now… T1 was quite supportive but ultimately just kept telling me I needed to talk to T2 about it. So I decided that today was the day – talk to T2, then make the decision about the ending.
Was cacking it this morning, bought a hot chocolate before I went in because I thought I might be sick. Sat down and spat out that we really needed to talk.
She felt more human to me today – I can’t explain why or how – but she felt warmer, like today their was blood rushing through her veins instead of metal. She said ok and sat back to listen to me. I’m not really sure what I stuttered – something about “I need to know what I did wrong”, I think.
I said to her that I need to be able to thrash out what happened in that session (I was fairly dissociated) and draw a line under it. I really felt like I couldn’t move on from what had happened without talking about it more. She said that was cool and told me what happened in that session.
She said that I was extremely distressed, crying a lot, terrified of failing my course and talking about failing my life. She wasn’t aware that I was very dissociative – she said I spent a lot of time sat silently but she felt that I was just very overwhelmed. I was asking to tell her what memories I had remembered and she tried to scaffold me towards telling T1 by email instead. I think we were pretty honest about how we felt… I felt that she was personally rejecting me, but I did believe her this time when she said she was trying not to open up an outpouring from Little that she had no way of stopping.
I got very choked up when said asked me what she could do to reassure me. I said to her that, honestly, I just needed to hear the positive truth, to override the negativity I’m telling myself in my head. But I said that she’ll never get me to admit that negativity out loud – and when I email it, she won’t respond. She agreed – she will not engage with Little at all by email, she feels incredibly strongly that it would transgress boundaries and she’s not willing to go there. But today, she said she could hear me saying how much I felt like it was my fault, so she said (paraphrasing but the gist…):
You didn’t do anything wrong.
I will never send you away.
Whatever happens, my door will be open next week.
I went a bit quiet then, Little had no words and I was too trapped in letting them sink in. I’ve called this post as ‘The Ghost of You’ because the fear of getting it wrong, doing the wrong thing, being bad, comes from my mother. I feel overwhelmed by the pressure to do the right thing at the moment, to ‘make T2 happy’ which is ridiculous but Little is scrabbling to be good again. I can be a good girl.
She asked how she could reassure me. I said I didn’t think I could tell her out loud in sessions – I can’t admit that I feel like I’ve done something wrong (more on that later). We agreed that, though perhaps I can’t say when I need reassurance in our sessions, and she won’t email me any reassurance, if I email her, she will bring it up with me in our next session – hopefully then we can talk it out. We’ve only got 5 sessions left but that was really good to hear.
We also rehashed what I could bring to sessions. I told her that I felt like I told her what she wanted to hear in our last session. She said I had the power to bring whatever I wanted – that wasn’t her responsibility. I told her that I felt like Little wasn’t allowed, like The Past wasn’t allowed, I’d be in trouble if I said something she didn’t want to hear… Her response, “all of you is welcome here” which was amazing to hear. I think where we’ve got to is – I can bring what I want, but we will both keep an ear out for what would be better taken to T1. She is more than happy to work through ‘themes’ with me, rather than individual memories. She’s confident that she is capable of looking at themes without necessarily knowing any specifics. We also agreed that I need to be honest if I’m feeling ungrounded – though I can’t control my dissociative days, I do know when I’m more likely to switch and those are times where it would be much better to spend the session at calming down from that emotion rather than digging into things that are likely to trigger me.
So, with all that said, next week the headline of our session is “Grief”. Grief after endings, grief of what I’ve lost (or never had…). Looking at managing through that horrific time after an ending when the grief is palpable and metallic. I am going to work hard at looking at it as a theme rather than specifics.
I finally feel like we’ve drawn a line under that session. She felt more human today – I could ‘feel’ her warmth instead of her cold.
Feel exhausted and tearful tonight, it was very hard work. Little needs looking after, so we’re sat in the car at our favourite look out spot, feeling the heat and taking in the view. Poor little Little.