I slept badly last night. My shoulders are achey and sore, but the pain is from a place, or maybe a time, painkillers can’t reach. I dreamt of hanging, of flying, of being a body with limbs not attached but floating nearby. I dreamt I was drowning again, unable to thrash without limbs so only able to scream for T1 as I sank and bobbed and sank again, feeling the water engulfing me. I dreamt of the sea around me turning purple, becoming opaque and heavy and silk, and covering my eyes so I cannot see what comes next.
I awoke this morning with a tear stained pillow and the pain in my shoulders still beating its rhythm in my head. I fumbled for Woo and internally wrote off the day – can’t speak to T1, not capable of grounding myself, day wasted. I slung a hoodie on over my PJ bottoms, scraped hair back and did all the necessary chores for the animals. I played with the pup until he was grizzly for sleep, then settled him into the curve between my arm and breast he chooses for comfort.
More tears fell as I sat feeling very sorry for myself – until I looked down at him. 9 weeks old, totally dependent on me for his safety and needs. When he sleeps he’s warm and heavy and he sleeps with his paws gripping your skin like he’s trying not to fall from the world. He’s hot and his skin is too big for his body, a child in her mother’s dress. Next to us in our slumber is big dog, muscled and strong with bone structure that makes him pretty formidable. But he’s still my baby – not too old to sleep on the sofa with his mum, head on my chest and paws tucked under my knee.
I guess I’m just wondering what I did to get so lucky in my life. Two perfect creatures who love me despite my flaws, the night terrors and the pain that can’t be real. I’m writing this as the puppy’s hot sticky breath floods down behind my ear and neck and thinking maybe this day won’t be such a write off after all.
Just a few more seconds to drink in that puppy smell that will be gone so soon, first.
(PS title is a beautiful Paolo Nutini song, perfect for moments like this:
Don’t you remember seeing the sun coming up easy
While the rain came tumbling down?
And it washed our bodies so clean
That we would seem to rise up off of the cold, cold ground