The First of Many

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In a session with T1 a few weeks ago, we discussed how I hadn’t really ‘let go’ of my previous T. She left to have a baby, just after Xmas and right before my degree got rough. I just about survived, but it was horribly rough. Before she left, we agreed I would email her an update once I had finished my degree. I’ve been putting it off – it’s the last contact I’ll ever be allowed to have with her which is a terribly painful thought. It’s also a risk – if she chooses not to reply, if she replies in a way I’m not expecting… My heartbreak over her leaving me (despite pregnancy being a pretty good excuse!) is still really raw.

T1 suggested that I email her before leaving therapy and so, today, I’ve done it. I emailed.

It’s light and positive, without being so positive it reads as a lie. She knows me too well for that.

So, now I wait. I wait, and cry for a heartbreak that I never really let heal. I’ve picked at the scab so many times since she left – she’s very different to T2 and I’ve missed her, a lot. That pining feels unbearable today.

But it’s sent, it’s done. The first of many endings this month.

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