It would not be overstated to say that yesterday, I had my first ever completely positive ending experience.
We’ve been building up to it for weeks – I was counting down from 13 sessions to go. We’ve worked hard, she has thrown everything she had at filling me full of resources and strategies to cope. We’ve tackled my fear of goodbyes head on, we’ve worked on grief and it’s effects. I’ve brought spiky panic to our sessions – she’s smoothed them over with kindness and platitude. ‘You will be more than ok’. It’s been a long time coming.
We both wrote letters. I made her go first, she gave me hers last week. I will not share it here – I’m finding myself fiercely protective of it, like holding it up to the light might damage the strength and beauty it holds. Her words were everything I needed to hear. I left my letter with her yesterday. I hope it was ok. Writing it felt impossibly difficult – and even on Monday I was saying I could not do it. Again, I won’t share – they’re words between us – but this helped.
We laughed a lot yesterday, no tears. It was easy, and sad, and relaxed and bittersweet and just… perfect. I cannot explain why, there is no recipe. I feel ready. I hope she’s heard how important she is. I am just extremely grateful.
Afterwards felt very overwhelming. I went through the rest of my day like swimming through treacle. I’m filled to the brim with emotions and needs. Little is panicky, fidgeting and toe tapping. My friends all checked in yesterday – cautious texts, “…all ok?” But I was fine. I am fine.
Sat on Facebook last night, overwhelmed by this weird happy/sad hybrid, after the rest of the world had reached slumber, a friend asked me if I was crying yet. I said I wasn’t; I was fearful if I did, they’d never stop. Maybe crying would taint the perfect end – T2 sure as hell didn’t spend last night biting back tears. I am stronger than letting Little sob for a loss…aren’t I? Then my friend said something that her T tells her, that really helped. It’s ok to cry – the tears will stop falling eventually. Crying is a natural, healthy response to pain. The tears fell then, great fat warm teardrops, expressing sorrow, and grief, and gratitude, too. And she’s right – I do feel better.
So, listen to me, Little. We are grieving. We are not doing it wrong – it is meant to hurt, it’s a loss of a treasured person. We do not need punishing for the tears, for the fear of being alone or the way our gut twists in need of her. This too shall pass, sweetheart, let’s be kind to each other. Where’s the blanket?