When All is Said and Done

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We’ve had a perfect evening tonight.

My house is spotless. The dogs have been impeccably well behaved. We had a BBQ in my newly finished garden on our new furniture. I made salads and relishes, with Eton mess to finish. Everyone has been super polite and we’ve laughed and chatted all evening.

A perfect evening. Except, our company is my parents. And so that perfection is tainted.

Did they know? Was she there? So many memories of times where she’s let me down are swirling around just behind my eyes, clouding my thoughts on a sunny evening.

We will never be mother and daughter how I wish. It will never happen. And the sadness in that stings at my throat. Too much water under the bridge. Too many tears ignored, too many grazed knees jeered at, too many red hot slaps with words and fists. What I wish for, can never be.

Our evening has a bitter low note sitting on my palate. A taste of grief, shame, envy and need. Sadness, too. Because I am graduating this weekend, and the only person I want to be with is T.

Little is craving what can never be tonight. If only you could turn back time and maybe switch mothers.

Sob.

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2 responses »

  1. Ouch. I can feel your pain. Especially with the grief I was processing yesterday. Reading your words there was like someone stabbed me in the gut. I can so relate xx

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