The Boy.

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Last night there was a boy.

I couldn’t see him, not really; he felt right in the corner of my right eye. When I wasn’t looking, he was there, I could feel his presence – but when I looked, he vanished, taunting me for even believing he existed in the first place.

I have never seen him before but the last couple of weeks I’ve felt quite strongly that the self harm urges I leap in and out of had a male source. Not that I could hear the voice, it’s not that clear cut… But I just knew it was a male thought. Another part, like Little, but more sinister? The night before I saw him, a self harm helpline managed to persuade me out of harming. They took his thought and we destroyed it together. I wonder whether that is why he was so very present in my mind’s eye last night.

Little was absolutely hysterically terrified, convinced that he had come to kill her for not harming the night before. For disobeying. He was carrying a length of rope which she was transfixed on, though it has absolutely no meaning to me and maybe she just needed something to ‘stare at’. I won’t write his description here as I don’t want to trigger but he’s classic horror movie scary… Nothing that has any specific importance to my past.

I was just convinced I’ve actually gone mad. I’m finally crackers. Seeing things is the final step before the straight jacket right? I try to remember my GPs words, that so long as you’re questioning your sanity, you’re sane. Crazy people are totally convinced they’re normal. The fact that I know he was not real would have been enough for her.

But still. Holy shit.

Little took Kali (or Pedro, as he is known by my best friend and boyfriend! Pedro the polar bear, I ask you…) to bed with us and we did all the old things that used to keep us safe. We started at one end of the duvet and we rolled like a sausage to the other end. We sucked our thumb. We gave imaginary sheep names. And eventually sleep came.

He was gone by this morning, though I can still feel the bruise where he was.

I am terrified of telling T, but I’ve emailed her and told her she has to push me to tell her about The Boy. I need her to get me to describe him, to ‘out’ him into my safe world where I know T will keep me safe from him. I need someone to know how scared I am that ‘seeing’ things is another box I’ve ticked off. I need to hear her perfectly melodic voice persuade me I’m genuinely safe.

But help. I am so scared she’ll call me crazy. Make me leave. Tell me to take my crazy and leave her the hell alone.

Please don’t leave me, T. I am so scared. And you’re all I’ve got.

X

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6 responses »

  1. Your T isn’t going anywhere. It is an incredibly scary time to wade through this stuff and not know if its an alter, an hallucination or what and the amount of times I have questioned my sanity… but things have been incredibly stressful for you this past week and with stress comes a lot of fun with our brains, or not. But you’ll be ok, and T won’t leave xx

    • You’re such a good friend Bourbon. Thanks for this comment.

      Think my fear has been exacerbated because she’s been a bit… Cold? Off? In our email correspondence since she’s been back. But I know what’s happening – she’s back from holiday and its stressful getting back into work, I’m thinking that my emails scream ‘I need you’ but they are almost certainly just minor whining, and because she’s busy she’s not picking up on it.

      I know she’s not angry or cross and I know she won’t tell me to leave… but I’m still jumpy.

      The Boy didn’t come back at all yesterday so I feel like I can take little mini breaths now, on my way to relaxing from high alert again.

      Need to remember to take my brave pants to Friday’s sesh!

      • I hate it when we are reading between the lines of emails/voices on phones and there are a million and one reasons for what we feel is “off because of us”. Sorry that didn’t sense make English really did it lol xx

      • Haha I know what you mean.

        I spoke to her today, finally pushed hard enough in an email for her to offer to talk. Reallyyyyy can’t afford it but oh well, I needed it.

        And of course she was totally fine *rolls eyes* but she can’t hide her frustration in her voice so knowing I could hear she wasn’t cross was so helpful.

        I had to laugh – blurted out about the Boy ^^ and she totally deadpanned me. What a woman, to not even lose her tone of voice when someone tells you they’re hallucinating 😛 I had to giggle. She’s awesome.

        Night hun xx

  2. I hope T helps with this. She will not be afraid, she will value your honesty, and you can still draw a firm line between reality and imagination. You are not mad! Have you been sleeping? Lack of REM sleep can make dreams come alive when you’re awake, essentially. Thinking of you x

    • Thanks Deb. T did help (sort of… Will put a post up in a minute about it).

      Not really sleeping properly – taking forever to fall asleep then being unable to wake up in the morning so that might well me an explanation. Good thought 🙂

      X

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