T wrote the title quote in an email to me this week.
It’s been a difficult week. I emailed her on Sunday, cancelling our Friday appointment; I was at the end of my tether, with nothing left to give and a whole load of anger. I posted about it here. I sort of knew it wasn’t only about our session, but equally I couldn’t really put my finger on what it was I was actually angry about. I knew there were things that had upset me in our session, but they weren’t big enough to cause my full blown, toys out of pram tantrum.
She finally emailed me back yesterday, acknowledging my cancellation and asking if I wanted to book another date. This stung – I needed her to recognise that things were really bad, that I was running, I needed her to psychically realise all these things and say the right words. Thanks to the friend who encouraged me to email her and be honest at this point: game playing is just not worth it when I feel this bad.
After some email correspondence, in which I told her I felt she’d given up on me and we needed to talk it out, she offered to talk today.
This was actually a cleverer idea than even I realised at the time – I can cry on the phone, I can let my true emotions out, it’s a little removed so I feel safer to be that exposed. So I felt brave enough to be honest: you felt distant on Friday, you were disinterested, you told me that telling what he did was unhealthy, please don’t give up on me. I want to die. I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared.
T always has answers. Sometimes they’re perfect, and sometimes they’re not. Today’s answers weren’t perfect, but they were truthful and understandable and I value that she tells me the truth, and not just what I need to hear. Normally, after we’ve had a wobble, I get a huge attachment kick – that hasn’t happened today, things don’t feel ‘fixed’ yet. But I am trying to remember that normal, adult relationships have ups and downs, and this is a practise run for all the relationships I will do in the rest of my life. So we’re persevering.
I’m tired and over emotional tonight – phone call with T, then a 2 hour session with my GP discussing suicide and medication – but two important things I want to write down so I remember them from our talk.
1. I don’t have to fight all the time. T prefaced this with a lot of worrying about this coming out right – this isn’t her saying there is bugger all point in fighting. Just that sometimes it is ok to be sad, to grieve, to be fearful, to feel overwhelmed, without kicking and screaming to get out of it. My GP who I think is ace told me today that, at 23, she was a complete mess. The first year out of education is tough. T reminded me that everything is up in the air and it is totally normal for me to feel overwhelmed right now. I guess this is the validation I needed to just chill out a little; it’s not perfect right now, but I am still surviving and the minutes are ticking on.
2. I can make my own choices, and what’s good for me is the right choice. I am terrified of failing. Of letting people down. Of being talked about, stared at, laughed at. I feel so overwhelmed at the moment because I feel trapped into a future I’m not sure about. Do I want this career? I think I do, but I want to fix my eating and my other mental health stuff first. That doesn’t feel like an option right now, but T reminded me that whatever feels like the right choice, is the choice I should make. She also reminded me that the people who love me will want the best for me, and support me.
In one of her emails, she made me cry with this: I have never given up on you and won’t. She is supporting me, not to ensure she gets what she wants, but to help me get what I want. And she’s not leaving (no matter how much I push her away). That’s a pretty awesome relationship to have, even if she makes me cry sometimes!