Today is a self-blame day. You know, one of those days when you forget that you didn’t ask to be raped, when you forget that the choice was theirs and theirs alone. When you forget that all the fighting, screaming or willpower in the world wouldn’t have stopped what happened to you. Below is a post on the definition of consent. It is not my writing – it is freely available on the Internet.
Non-coercive: If you’re cojoling, threatening or otherwise trying to “convince” someone to engage in a sexual act with you, you are breaking consent. If you asked 16 times and got 15 No’s and 1 Yes, you still did not adequately obtain consent. Also, you’re a weak individual.
Not fixed: What I mean by this is you shouldn’t take for granted that after asking once for consent that you now have consent forever. It’s not like landing a gig as a Supreme Court judge. You don’t have consent for life. It should be continuously negotiated.
Dynamic: Related to the above note, consent for one act does not necessitate consent for all acts. Consent is not an EZ Pass. It should be re-addressed constantly for different acts.
Conscious: Yeah, I want to believe I don’t have to explain this one. Bad enough I had to list it. But ok, yes, an inebriated/asleep/passed out or otherwise not fully coherent person cannot consent. There, you can’t say no one ever told you.
Unambiguous/Explicit: Assume all of the following to mean “no.” — “Maybe,” “I’m not sure,” “Not yet,” “Kinda,” “Wait a minute,” …I could go on.
Not contingent upon sexual interest nor sexual arousal: We know. Blue balls are a motherfuc*er. Still no excuse. Neither your NOR the expressed/implied interest of any potential partners is an invitation to any act. Also, neither your nor the (assumed) arousal of anyone you might want to have sex with is an invitation. Yes, someone might be aroused and still not want to fuck. Crazy times. I know.
Not compensatory: Yeah, that dinner and a movie were nice. Still not an invitation to fuck. And if you thought it was, you’re a world class asshole.
Not something that requires a qualifier: No one needs to explain why they are not granting you consent. No is enough.
Age appropriate: Much like the point on being Conscious that shouldn’t have had to be explained, I’m appalled that this needs to be included either but here goes. If someone is under the age of consent, and/or is too young to understand what consent or even sex IS, um…the answer is automatically NO. Go find someone your own age you pedophiles.
Not Past-Reliant: So someone was abused before and trusted you enough to open up to you about such personal information? Do yourself a favor and don’t BREAK that trust. Just because a person was abused in the past (which they obviously didn’t consent to THEN or it wouldn’t be called “abuse”) does not mean that you can take advantage of them. Which, in layman’s terms means: Abuse is abuse, then or now. It is NOT consent!