A Therapy Update

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Thanks for the messages of support after my rubbish ED therapy session on Monday. I owe my friends a lot x

After a few days away, the sea breeze blew me clear of all the cobwebs left over from that awful session. After a good session with T on Wednesday, I had a very adult conversation with J yesterday, who managed to calm me down enough to email M, discussing exactly what had happened to upset me so, and covering the broader themes, rather than nit-picking. The whole email is long and boring, but here are the basics:

~~I feel really triggered by the feeling of a set of rules being dictated that I have no option but to follow, along with a lack of any individuality or autonomy, plus a feeling that I have to say ‘yes’, because otherwise something good (namely, the chance to be ‘cured’) is taken away from me.

~~’Giving in’ and saying yes to one thing, makes me feel like I might lose my ability to say no to other more dangerous, more abusive requests.

~~Privacy and confidentiality about my problems and needs is not something I had much of as a child. It is extremely important to me that I have that now.

~~When I’m triggered, I say yes even when I mean no. In therapy, when I’m upset, I need to be asked questions that do not have yes/no answers. This protects me as much as the therapist.

When I look at the broad themes, instead of the immediate anger and upset, I can see the long lasting impact the abuse has had on my relationships and my life in general. This makes me sad, and that’s pretty much all I can say about that.

I didn’t get a response to my email, but we discussed what I wrote, in today’s session. He was cool. Apologetic without losing face, keen to discuss different ways to ensure that this won’t happen again. I was incredibly scared to start with, but I relaxed and by the end we had a really productive session.

It isn’t perfect, but I am slowly learning that all relationships aren’t perfect. But this is another experience to add to my list; I spoke up for what I need, and it hasn’t resulted in any abuse or harm – in fact, it’s been beneficial and may turn out to be amazing if we can learn to work together successfully. I still had a meltdown, and needed T’s support to speak up, but it definitely felt easier this time, I felt more adult and more in control. Which is enough to convince me that, despite what it looks like, therapy is helping and healing.

And I can’t ask for much more than that!

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2 responses »

  1. I think this is all a mark of your progress: seeing what went wrong, why it went wrong, and composing yourself to share it with M in order to improve this process for both of you. Your positivity really makes me smile too! Glad you can see what I can see 🙂

    • Thanks 🙂 yes, I definitely handled this situation in a more adult way then I ever would have before. It feels to me like a clear sign of development because I know exactly how I would have handled it before all this therapy work – the before and after is helpful 🙂 thanks.

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