Thanks for the messages of support after my rubbish ED therapy session on Monday. I owe my friends a lot x
After a few days away, the sea breeze blew me clear of all the cobwebs left over from that awful session. After a good session with T on Wednesday, I had a very adult conversation with J yesterday, who managed to calm me down enough to email M, discussing exactly what had happened to upset me so, and covering the broader themes, rather than nit-picking. The whole email is long and boring, but here are the basics:
~~I feel really triggered by the feeling of a set of rules being dictated that I have no option but to follow, along with a lack of any individuality or autonomy, plus a feeling that I have to say ‘yes’, because otherwise something good (namely, the chance to be ‘cured’) is taken away from me.
~~’Giving in’ and saying yes to one thing, makes me feel like I might lose my ability to say no to other more dangerous, more abusive requests.
~~Privacy and confidentiality about my problems and needs is not something I had much of as a child. It is extremely important to me that I have that now.
~~When I’m triggered, I say yes even when I mean no. In therapy, when I’m upset, I need to be asked questions that do not have yes/no answers. This protects me as much as the therapist.
When I look at the broad themes, instead of the immediate anger and upset, I can see the long lasting impact the abuse has had on my relationships and my life in general. This makes me sad, and that’s pretty much all I can say about that.
I didn’t get a response to my email, but we discussed what I wrote, in today’s session. He was cool. Apologetic without losing face, keen to discuss different ways to ensure that this won’t happen again. I was incredibly scared to start with, but I relaxed and by the end we had a really productive session.
It isn’t perfect, but I am slowly learning that all relationships aren’t perfect. But this is another experience to add to my list; I spoke up for what I need, and it hasn’t resulted in any abuse or harm – in fact, it’s been beneficial and may turn out to be amazing if we can learn to work together successfully. I still had a meltdown, and needed T’s support to speak up, but it definitely felt easier this time, I felt more adult and more in control. Which is enough to convince me that, despite what it looks like, therapy is helping and healing.
And I can’t ask for much more than that!