I know, I know, moaning is pretty acceptable on Day 5 after a break up, but I’m boring myself now so I wanted to lighten up a bit with two nice things that have happened today; one funny, one lovely.
The funny one: I had my ED session today. Not very CBT as I haven’t started using my planning properly yet (rubbish me…), head just in a real mess. Anyway, we were talking about my weight graph, and I’ve lost weight again this week, and I said how I had recently gone back on oral contraception and that may make me gain weight so I wanted to monitor that too. M, who I am starting to really like and appreciate, asked me why it was so important for me to be taking contraceptives, particularly now I’m single. I tried explaining it away with comments about how I’m pants at taking meds so creating a regularity is important, and he sort of got that…. But we kept going round and round why I HAD to and in the end we sort of hit the real issue – that one day, I would like to have sex again, and I’d really appreciate not getting pregnant because of it! He seemed quite shocked by the idea of sex whilst I’m single, and it just really made me giggle. One of those bum clenchingly awkward moments. Haha. Maybe you had to be there.
The second one was just so lovely. I went into the shops today because I need a big wooly jumper now the weather has turned, and it apparently is fairly normal to buy a ‘breakup jumper’ to snuggle through until the end of the heartache. Anyway, I picked up a load of jumpers and was stood in the dressing room looking at myself in the mirror and just hating every porky, podgy, wobbly bit of myself. I must have been stood there a ridiculously long time (lost in the world of the ED voice no doubt), so the assistant asked me if I was ok. I sort of blurted out that I have an ED and I need a jumper but I think I look totally obese and I’m not sure if that’s true or if it’s just me. Then I cried (embarrassing but a regular occurrence this week…). She gave me a lovely big hug and told me her best friend had an eating disorder, and so she knew how hard this was. She then stood behind me, and pointed out to me all the nice bits of how I looked – the panel in the middle that gives the illusion of long and lean, the way it frames my shape, showing my curves without showing the bumps. Then she said, problem is, this is too big for you really, can I try you in the 12? I balked and said no, I’m definitely a 14, I’m absolutely huge, can’t she see that?! And she asked me to trust her – so I did. And she was right – I was drowning myself in the 14, trying to cover myself and hide myself, but it was just creating an image that looks so much bigger than I actually am.
I left the shop with a size 12 jumper and a slightly more healthy view of myself. I was only with her maybe 10minutes, but she really helped me today, reminding me of the things that normal people worry about, and reassuring me that the picture that EDNOS troll is showing my mind is NOT the true picture.
Anyway, there are two nice things from my day. Moaning shall return to this blog forthwith.