I’ve got out of the routine of blogging recently. I can feel this, because in my real life I am struggling for words to explain my feelings. Blogging gives me a way to order my words and create a script that I then use to explain to people in the real world. The longer I haven’t blogged, the harder it has been to summarise the mess that is my life right now into neat, not too long, posts. This post is just going to be a checklist of what’s happened for me since I last blogged, so I can cover all recent history and then start again!
My Ex Relationship
Yesterday was a month since we split. It’s been a really weird month. Sometimes, it feels lovely; living together without the pressure of making a relationship work has been really nice. We’ve been much more supportive of each other and we’ve been better friends. Sometimes, it feels exciting; I am moving in to my new place in a week’s time, and I am excited about decorating my room and having my own life back, a life which is totally mine to control. Sometimes, it’s been so sad; I have yet to leave behind my dogs and our home and all the fun times we’ve had, and the memories of the joy in our relationship are thick and heavy in this house. I can still see us dancing in the kitchen, or snuggled in front of our fireplace, and those memories make me so horribly sad – we had an amazing love, and we blew it. Sometimes, it’s been validating; he’s lost his temper, been aggressive and abusive, lashed out, scared me – all proof moving on is the right thing to do. But overall, it’s just been massively overwhelming; all the old and new swirling around inside my head, I’m trying to make sense of it but I’m really not sure where to start. Moving out next week will be the first step in starting my new life, but I am dreading it. As hard as this breakup has been so far, I am convinced that the worst in yet to come – those nights when I’m sat alone in my room, without my dogs or anyone close by, are going to be lonely and scary and risky and I am not looking forward to them at all. I am fearful, because I know that the worst is yet to come.
Eating Disorder Therapy
In the last week or so, I left therapy with M and have started with J. I am not really sure what exactly happened to make me decide it definitely had to stop. I had a real crisis weekend, where I was purging a lot and panicking. I asked him for an emergency session as I knew I didn’t want it to spiral out of control. The session was difficult, abrasive and damaged a lot of the beliefs that T has worked really hard to help me learn, and I just knew that it was time to move on from him. Thankfully, J, who did my assessment, was really helpful and has enabled me to see her weekly for a few months whilst my life gets sorted and back on track. Then, I will go back into CBT with someone else; someone female, and with experience or at least understanding of trauma. This feels positive and I am hugely appreciative of her warmth; she is a great support in the most uncertain time of my life.
Therapy with T
Oh, I love her. I know that’s mad but I do. She is keeping me afloat, and I will never be able to tell her how important she is to me. I am a long way from home, with temperamental parents, and only a small selection of friends, and in the most plain and simple form, I am still here and I am carrying on and starting over because of her support and encouragement. I’ve had an emotional and crazy week this week, and sitting with her on Wednesday enabled me to pick up and carry on. The only strange thing in therapy at the moment is that I’m struggling to ask for what I need – or more specifically, what Little needs. Little has this really intense need to play, to sit on the floor, to hold hands, to listen to the calm in T’s voice, to just be small with her. I’m ignoring her need every week as I feel like I have so much ‘adult stuff’ to be talking about; but I’m silencing a small, scared child and it’s really quite hard. I wish I had the strength to say, can we just sit and play? But I don’t, so I won’t ask, which makes me feel sad for that little one.
I also have a major issue about to come up in T, about her surgery, but that is a whole other post.
I have a job!
It’s been no secret to anyone that since I graduated, I have been less than great at finding the motivation to apply for jobs. A mixture of needing time, plus being terrified and also being lazy has meant that I didn’t apply for very much at all! Thankfully since I graduated, I have had a number of days here and there working, which has really helped my confidence. A week or so ago, I applied for a job I really wanted, and this week in a strange twist of events I didn’t get that one, but I got a different one instead! So, from January, I have a job and that feels terrifying and exciting in equal measure!! I feel so grateful that I now have something concrete to grip on to and to base the rest of my life around.
Ok, that’s all I think. Life just feels very overwhelming right now, despite me really only treading water at the moment.