He sits on my bed in his suit, for the last time. He strokes my hair and tears well in both of our eyes.
“I want you to be really happy,” he says, “promise me you won’t be sad.”
I tell him I can’t promise that.
“I’m sorry it didn’t work,” he gulps.
Me too, baby. Me too.
I started letting the tears fall because I thought it might release their pressure. Now they won’t stop.
Removed rubbish from car ready for some boxes. Let the dogs out for a wee. I love their happy little faces. Bedsheets in the wash+dryer so I have sheets for tonight. Cuddles on the stripped bed with my boys. I don’t even tell them off for licking my face.
Eating two slices of toast – have a very adult urge to look after myself today. Moved first full car load – one, maybe two to go. Room lovely and I’m excited about my new place. Landlord is putting up the Christmas tree as we move boxes – can even feel a little bit festive 🙂
Stopped for lunch and a massive glass of rose spritzer (G&T for the brother).
Starting to feel a bit overwhelmed by how much we still have to do, but we are well over halfway… Just a few boxes to go and then a final check and Hoover of the house before I leave. Therapy later and really craving her… telling the tears to wait until we can fall apart safely with her. Hope I can fall apart…. I don’t want to fake adult and productive and not be able to tell her what I need.
Brother noticed that I needed power cord. Took me an inordinate amount of time to consider what shops round here might sell one. Went to shop. Found aisle. Discussed benefits of surge protect and cable length. I cried; I’m not adult enough to know nor care about this. Bought power cord brother chose.
Said goodbye to my boys. Managed no tears. Told them that I love them and have enjoyed every minute of my life as their ‘mummy’ so far. Will see them tomorrow thankfully. Said goodbye to house. Felt impossibly sad to close the door.
On my own. This is the beginning, then. Shower and out to T.
T. I felt really antsy and snappy tonight. I’m self combusting and T is challenging me on it. She says she wants to talk about my eating properly next week. I’m scared; I don’t think I can talk about food with her without slamming down the fortress gates and hauling up the drawbridge. Even today I was rude (sorry T…) just thinking about it. So that is something to look forward to…. Not. She seemed genuinely pleased that I kept my promise and didn’t harm this weekend, and when I could hear that in her voice, my tummy did flips. That intense attachment to her is still there, then.
We talked about the breakup, about how much I love him, about how sad I am that it hasn’t worked. We talked about him keeping everything. We talked about losing my boys. We talked about grief, loss, mourning. I cried when she said I would be mourning a massive loss. Mourning is right. I am grieving for our relationship, our wedding, our children, our grandchildren; all these things that will not be.
We talked about taking it step by step. I wondered how anyone ever survives a breakup – they are so incredibly painful. I told her I wasn’t sure I could survive; I told her I wondered about the other option. I yelled at her when she made me promise I wasn’t considering suicide. I yelled because it was too close to the bone, I guess. I won’t act, but god I wish I could. I don’t know how to survive on my own. I don’t know if I want to.
I desperately needed a hug as we stood to leave. I nearly asked, but the words froze. I needed you, T, I needed your safety tonight. I am sorry I can’t tell you what I need at the time.
Your operation is tomorrow. Very best of luck. Every molecule in my body is worried for you. Don’t die. Please, don’t die. We need you.
Met my best friend in IKEA. I could not have asked for a better friend the last few weeks. I am ashamed to admit that I can quite regularly be a shocking friend; I’m self-centred and often my mind is on other things. I am truly blessed to have N in my life and the last week she’s shown me her worth. She packed all my stuff with me on Friday night after her crazy working week, then met me in IKEA last night so late because I needed to do therapy first. I don’t deserve her, but I am so grateful and honoured to call her my best friend.
Went round IKEA together, bounced on all the chairs, squished pillows and stroked bedsheets. Bought what I needed (duvet, bedlinen, bathroom storage) and then bought a bouncy comfy chair. Not because I needed one, but because I wanted one. I want a place of comfort and of safety and warmth in my room, and this chair is big and comfy to curl up onto. It was only £20 so I’ve hardly dedicated loads of resources to looking after Little’s needs right now, but I’m feeling pretty proud of myself for having at least started to make my house a place where I can feel safe because of the environment and because of me, and not because my ex or T are there.
He texts me, a response to my text asking if he’s ok. “Just dont want to lose my friend too.” “You won’t get rid of me that easily. Big hug xx” I say. And I bite on my lip until I taste blood, to try and stop the tears from falling.
Pizza Hut are shut for food. Rubbish! Order takeaway instead, and N and I sit in my car, eating pizza and drinking Pepsi from a 2L bottle, and talk boys and work and love and hope and futures. It felt so nice, not to be worried about rushing home or upsetting anyone for being late. Just sitting together and enjoying each other’s company felt really amazing, and really needed today.
Park up at new house. Try to sneak in through door and up the numerous flights of stairs to my room. Try to make bed without standing on squeaky floorboards and annoying everyone. Probably fail. Really hate having to be so careful and feel a little tearful at this silly, minor thing.
Bed made, PJs on, dreamless sleep.