“Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow airport. General opinion started to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. Seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy but it’s always there. Fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from people on board were messages of hate or revenge, they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling, you’ll find that love actually is all around.”
Despite all my dread, Christmas Day has actually been lovely this year. I said in my therapy session this week, that if I could have skipped Christmas this year, I would have. I have changed my mind.
It’s been very unpressurised, with only one present each (which all we had picked ourselves), dinner done to no timetable but rather a ‘throw it in and we’ll eat when it’s done’ approach, no fighting, nobody drunk, it’s been really nice. I’ve spent the whole day curled up in my PJs, cuddled up with my mum mostly, or my dad, enjoying this new-found enjoyment of my family. I am finding it so hard to believe that this family is the same family which abused and upset me so much when I was small, and I know that is something I will need to take to T, but for now, I am just going to enjoy every minute of it. We are all living in the moment, today; my mum pulled me in for a cuddle at one point and whispered, “because I only get you for such a short time”. It’s been really nice.
I have missed my ex and my dogs a lot, but I have coped and I haven’t shed any proper tears. We spoke this morning by text, only for him to tell me about the boys, and then this evening just to say hi and check in with each other. We’ve survived the first – surely the rest cannot be as hard as this one was.
I am desperately, painfully missing T. Partially because today should have been our regular session slot, partially because I’m horrifyingly, disgustingly jealous of her children and grandchildren who ‘get her’ today, who are probably cuddled on their sofa with her, eating their dinner with her and generally being loved by her when I am not, partially because she hasn’t checked in by email or text (and although I would never expect her to, after all it’s Christmas, knowing that other people’s Ts have is a very sore blow), and partially because I feel very replaceable anyway. All those things are adding up to a massive, swirling ball of attachment which wants me to scream from the rafters that I need her. As an adult I entirely understand, but Little feels completely abandoned and forgotten and worthless, like we mean nothing because this week I haven’t paid her. I feel angry at her today, which is an uncomfortable emotion, but one I know will pass when we can speak again and I am sat in a room with her, able to feel remembered again. Despite the negative emotions, I am also feeling a massive kick of gratitude, that she has supported me to a place where I can enjoy Christmas with my family – totally unheard of in years gone by.
The New Year is rapidly approaching now, and today I actually feel like I might be ready to accept the challenge. We have just watched Love Actually (my favourite film, and only my 3rd time of watching it so far this month), and the quote I posted above has stuck in my head. The last two months, I have left the first love of my life, I have lost my dogs, I have suddenly been erased from his family who had become my family. I feel worthless, disgusting and replaceable, but as in all times of trouble, you realise who your true friends are, and so I also feel incredibly loved. Love really is all around.
It would be untruthful to write a completely happy post this Christmas; my heart is broken, my head is messy and my life is a whirlwind. But I do want to take time to be thankful for all that I have recently found I do have. My gorgeous best friend has been the ultimate support, unwavering in the face of much snot and high-pitched sobbing. Many other friends, including some who I unceremoniously abandoned 5 years ago when I left home, have risen to the challenge of supporting me, despite me behaving awfully in the past and definitely not deserving it. My family have rallied round in a way I would never have predicted – blood ties are much stronger than I gave credit to. J is a fantastic support for my ED, and is openly bringing her break up experience to our sessions which is helping to normalise the emotions experienced by my aching heart. T is my guiding light, an ongoing support and my defender and encourage-r no matter what I’m facing. She is a constant in my life that I often take for granted. And then this little blog, born out of a mammoth procrastination session during the Dissertation Days; this blog has opened up a whole world of friendship and support that I had no knowledge of. I am so thankful to all those wonderful bloggers who have read my ramblings, commented and emailed me, but also those who write their own much more coherent words, that give me an understanding and a clarity to many of my own emotions and history; I say so regularly in sessions now, “and I’m following this blog and it made me think…”. It is such a wonderful place to ‘be’ – thank you all.
I am so grateful to you all. Merry Christmas, everyone.