We didn’t get off to the best start yesterday.
I have said before that I really like A, but she really reminds me of T2. I saw T2 for about a year, whilst I was finishing my degree, and we had some truly awesome falling-outs. T2 was boundaried, structured, and often quite cold emotionally, when I was the complete opposite; I was just one big swirling mess of emotions, drama and memories. We had a few times where we really fell out, and usually T (T1 at the time) had to piece me back together. I didn’t always like T2, but I loved what she taught me about myself, and because of this, I am persuading myself not to run screaming from A.
I feel a bit like A is playing a boundaries game. We spent a number of weeks talking about what I needed to feel safe in therapy with her; then on Tuesday this week she told me she felt I was trying to be too controlling of every minute detail. Yesterday, we started CBT officially, and the first thing she said was that I must use the A4 sheets they give you. We’ve had this row before, with my previous ED therapist there – but he eventually backed down. My journal is A5 sized – A4 sheets do not fit. I need my journal to be a chronological history, thus I need to stick in my food tracking sheets. There is NO logical reason for why we must use A4 sheets – except that they are the rules – but A made it extremely clear; use the sheets she gives me, or don’t come to therapy.
I am particularly upset about this because J, who handed me over to A, promised me A understood that I use different sheets. She promised. And A has broken that promise.
Therapy is important to me, I am ill right now and it’s getting worse, not better. So I am going to have to compromise. I can’t even buy an A4 journal because I have to do my planning on the back, so I couldn’t stick them in. I will have to buy an A5 journal with a flexible spine. I am willing to compromise because what choice do I have? But I am cross with A. She promised me last week that she would never ask me to do anything that she didn’t have a genuine reason for – yet here we are, week 1, and this is totally pointless.
She is stamping out her boundaries, but she’s really hurt my heart.
I panicked last night and cut for the first time in ages. I’ve been harming recently, scratches mostly, but last night was the first time I went to buy blades, and did the routine. I watched the blood pool into droplets, run down my wrist, and felt calm. It wasn’t A’s fault that I cut… but I am wondering if this is right for me.
But then, if it’s not, I can’t carry on with my food in this way either. So I’m pretty trapped really, by her pointless boundaries.
Trapped isn’t a good feeling.