Ugh, I had the most horrendous night’s sleep 😦 I wish I knew the cause of dreams or why bad ones happen, because they always seem to pop up totally out of the blue.
I dreamed that my ex (who still looks after my dogs) was moving out the county for work. In the dream this was all my fault, because when we were together I was holding him back and restricting him from ever doing anything he wanted. He was moving, and this meant he was going to give our dogs away 😦 to his dad, but it meant I could never see them again (because his parents have been distant and cold since our split, despite practically adopting me for the previous 7 years). In the dream I was being forced to go and let them out for their morning wee, and then I had to bring them back in again and hand them over. My dream went round and round the moment where I was stood outside with them, desperately trying to think of options but having absolutely none and knowing that no matter how upset I was, nobody cared and I had to do what I was told even though I was completely heartbroken by losing them.
I kept waking up, then falling asleep again but getting sucked straight back into this horrible cycle of being stood trying to think of options but losing them anyway. It happened maybe 10 times during the night and every time I woke up I couldn’t stop it happening again 😦 😦 😦
I so desperately wanted T, or more specifically my rabbit actually (who is currently living with T, learning how to be a transitional object!). I guess it’s good that my almost subconscious reaction was to reach for him. But he wasn’t there, and I felt so very alone and trapped 😦 I did eventually text my ex at about 6.30am, we spoke and he assures me the dogs are with him for life, but hmm I still feel unsettled.
Writing it out here, it seems a little clearer that the control issues I had in CBT 1/20, and which I talked at length to T about yesterday, are upsetting and stressful. I have convinced my adult part to give up the fight, do what is being asked of me, but I clearly haven’t yet convinced Little. Sorry, kiddo.