This isn’t working. I can’t cope with the rejection of being left over and over in a week. I can’t cope with not being important to you. I physically cannot afford to speak to you as much as I need without going back into my overdrafts and getting totally bollocked by my father. Nor would you have the time/would you even want to. I can’t cope with you leaving me over and over and over and you not caring but it breaking my heart. I can’t cope with feeling this way about anyone. I genuinely believed you’d save me. I’m scared because you keep telling me that is my job but I don’t want to save myself, I’m tired of saving myself, of keeping myself alive all the time because life is a constant fucking battle to eat, sleep, drive on the right side of the road, focus enough to work to earn money to pay for all those things that mean life keeps moving forward. I’m tired of mopping up spilled blood and screaming into my pillow whilst I disinfect wounds because I know the importance of keeping them clean to ‘save myself’. I’m tired of finding cliffs very tempting, I’m tired of picking the biggest lorries on the road, I’m tired of not having many meds in the house because I don’t trust myself, I’m tired of negotiating with myself on the size of blades I buy so I can’t be stupid. I spend all day every day fucking saving myself and I wanted YOU to take over for a bit. Clearly, what I’m doing isn’t working or it wouldn’t be this sodding difficult. I don’t WANT to save myself, I wanted you to save me, I wanted you to love Little enough that she’d stop feeling so broken and then I thought it would be ok?
I don’t know whether I’m seriously impressed or absolutely horrified that you can set such firm boundaries around me and stick to them. I hate you for ignoring me last night. This is the loneliness place in the world.
I hate that you don’t care about me. I let myself feel for ages that I was maybe starting to be ok, because if you cared then that meant something right? If you cared then I couldn’t be pure evil, if you’ll touch me then I can’t be wet and disgusting. I let myself believe that somebody cared, AGAIN. Seriously, how stupid do I get?? I had let myself believe that you cared because you let me come with you from uni and you talk to me even when you’re not meant to because I’m sad and Little likes the way you sound when you’re worried about us. But I feel like I’ve been lied to. I hate you for lying to me. But then how stupid was I to believe you’d be different?
I dreamed last night the same dream I always had when I was young, running and running from something and trying to hide but being too big for any of the hiding places. Usually I find you to run to. Last night I was running from you, and you caught me because I had nowhere to hide and nobody to run to. You were one of them and I hadn’t seen it all along. You hurt me.
I’ve destroyed everything. I messed everything up and now you feel so far away. I’m sorry I was bad.