27 Sleeps

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The Pause has begun.

I’m writing this whilst I am wrapped up in T’s green blanket she has lent Little for the duration of her holiday. It is soft, big enough to hide under, the colour of her therapy room, and most importantly, it smells like her. Little is pretty blissed out tonight.

I am not panicking. I feel a bit numb, but I am still feeling – and there is no major panic, anger or sadness. I am sure the reality will sink in at some point, and I will go through every emotion and back again – but tonight I am not panicking.

Our session was beautiful. I was absolutely freezing when I got to her, a mixture of our rubbish weather and intense fear. T put the fire on, and after a few minutes of talking, she got Little a blanket, wrapped it round us on the sofa, sat by our feet, sat against me, held my hand and we just talked. She told me so many times she is coming back, and I do believe her. I do. We didn’t do any ‘work’, but I am not panicking, so it absolutely worked. Sat with the fire crackling, warm under her blanket, giggling with her about books and sunscreen, whilst sharing that body connection, and her hand holding mine… I couldn’t have felt more loved, to be honest.

I could have slept, though. Little felt so very tired. Little could have slept right there with her. I am so glad that we can sleep with her blanket tonight – Little is already drifting.

So she is gone, and in a minute I will sleep and we’ll already be one sleep down. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to wrap myself in my safest smell in the world, and remember her hand on mine and her words, “I’m coming back”. Have fun, T, wear sunscreen, I miss you already. Thank you.

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