I slept with my bedside lamp on last night. I haven’t done that in a while.
I saw my ex yesterday, took my beautiful dogs for a walk, took time to enjoy the beauty of the place I live and made sure I focused on my feelings as I gave my puppies goodbye kisses on their noses. I tried to make a collage of my identity desires, I even went to the shop to buy some paper to do it on, but I ran out of creativity whilst I was surrounded by ripped-out images of beautiful, successful women. I’d had a lovely weekend, and suddenly I was feeling really lonely. Loneliness is the worst emotion in the world. I will stand on my soapbox and scream that for hours.
I slept, in my onesie with T’s blanket covering every inch of me. I needed to be completely consumed by her, no sliver of me vulnerable or exposed. I must have woken up about 5 times in the night, each time soaking wet from the tears pouring from me. Each time I found Rabbit again, and tried to sooth that way, but the cycle repeated itself.
I emailed T at about 3am. “I miss you. Where are you in the world? Please come home. I wish me needing you to come home was enough.”
The loneliness makes me crave her.
At 8am I woke up, and she had replied. She’s a brave lady, considering I really lost my temper last time she replied. She is human though, and she reads me like a book – I wonder if she knew I really needed to hear from her?
It was only a few lines long, reassuring me of where she was in the world and that she is coming back. Telling me I’m doing really well.
It helped. I’m ok today. Knocked off centre by the stabs of loneliness, but righted again by her grounding.
I miss her, though. 15 sleeps.