I had my final session with R this week. 5 out of 5.
We were already one week late for this, as she had a migraine last week. I flipped out a bit, when she cancelled, because I felt that she must be cancelled because of what I had told her about my abuse in the previous week. Through the process of an emergency session to process with T, and a phonecall with R to reassure me that she genuinely was just poorly, I pulled myself together enough to stop running away from the ending.
This week didn’t start brilliantly as I was ridiculously stressed with work. It took ten minutes of ranting and crying for me to get the stress out of my system and to get back into the present moment. R was really supportive about all this, and gave me some helpful guidance in managing this stress, but I was cross with myself because I knew I was wasting my final session with her.
When I had calmed down enough, we talked about what I wanted to do from here. In the last five sessions, I have found some motivation. I can’t stand the thought of feeling the way I do for much longer; I couldn’t bear to still be self-harming, hating myself or not coping in a year, five years, ten years time. I read a book by Dr. Meg Jay called ‘The Defining Decade’ in the last few weeks, and though it really gave me motivation for improving my twenties, it also made me painfully aware of how my poor coping strategies, for example restricting my food and cutting my skin, are holding me back in what I want.
I want to manage stress and emotions in healthy ways.
I want to not feel ashamed of my body because of its scars or its fat.
I want to be a good friend.
I want to have a relationship.
I want to find enjoyment in the big things, and the little things.
All of these things happen from learning strategies. I work with some very challenging children, and I spend much of my day supporting them in learning how to manage their emotions. I’m bloody good at my job, but I’m absolutely sodding useless at managing my own emotions. When it’s dark outside, and I’m alone in my room and the emotions of the day are suffocating me, I don’t know where to turn to that is safe. So I turn to blades, or forcing myself to vomit up my insides, or alcohol, or forcing myself to sleep with people I don’t want to… and then I just hate myself more, and more, and more.
T and I talked about me continuing to see R. T is back now, and we’re back to weekly support, but R and I have touched on a raw nerve about progress that T and I don’t seem to be close enough to yet. T and I spend a lot of time in the past, but R has given me a real kick of consideration to my future. T is happy for me to continue to see R, but not weekly or anything. R and I were going round and round about this, as she wanted me to say what I needed, and I have no idea!!
In the end, I sobbed something like, “I don’t know what I need, but I can’t carry on feeling this way. Save me, teach me. Please, just do something.”
R didn’t want to set me targets, as I don’t cope with failure very well. However, I was desperate to have something to work on, some way of starting to make measurable steps forward. R queried whether I was asking her for permission to heal, and whether maybe I could give myself that permission. I can’t, just yet, I need her to tell me that it is ok for me to make progress now, that growing and healing is ok. She said we’ll come back to this… we wiggled our way into agreeing that we would meet again in three weeks, and in that time, I would work on some ideas that R came up with, with me. She wrote me a note, in her most beautiful handwriting. It says, “Work – no more than 2 lates a week. Mindfulness – John Kabat-Zinn. Walking/Massage/Knitting/Crocheting. Finding stuff that has a positive meaning attached to it.”
Finding stuff that has a positive meaning attached to it. That’s my aim, for the next three weeks. Every day, I am doing one thing that feels…well, not good, I don’t really have ‘good’ feelings at the moment, but that doesn’t feel bad. That feel positive.
It’s been ok so far, for the last four days, but today is the first day where I am falling apart again. I’m hopefully going to the cinema later, and if I can’t do that I’m going to go to the gym… both of those things are positive.
I saw ‘The Other Woman’ in the cinema this week – twice, because I laughed so hard the first time I took my mum to go and see it. To laugh until I was crying felt amazing, but there is a song in it by an artist called Britt Nicole.
Her voice is beautiful, but the lyrics are even more exceptional. I sobbed at this song both times I watched the film. So, these three weeks will be filled with my fervent hope that my sun is now, finally, rising.
When life has cut too deep and left you hurting
The future you had hoped for is now burning
And the dreams you held so tight lost their meaning
And you don’t know if you’ll ever find the healing
You’re gonna make it
You’re gonna make it
And the night can only last for so long
Whatever you’re facing
If your heart is breaking
There’s a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising