I’m sleeping very badly at the moment.
I had the most awful insomnia in the few months after my ex and I split up. I would lay awake for literally hours, usually exhausted but unable to shut off or stop my mind. It gradually got better, and as I started work things regulated. Since I found out about his girlfriend the other day (post due in the near future), despite being genuinely ok about it, it’s stopped me sleeping and I’m back to total, heavy exhaustion.
With exhaustion comes vivid and painful dreams when I finally snatch some sleep. Today, I had a nap after work, which turned into more of a coma – not that I have woken up feeling refreshed from it. Anyway, my dream was horrid and I want to purge it here.
I was with T and we were in her room. She was talking to me and I was talking back but water was just pouring out of my mouth when I opened it to speak, and I was trying to catch it all with my hands but I couldn’t and it was going everywhere. Eventually she suggested we go outside so we went and sat on this sort of round decking area, the water was still coming from me. There was fabric everywhere, soft and light or thick and heavy, but everywhere, so much of it all around us. Eventually I stopped trying to talk and just buried myself into T, my head leaning into her and on her lap, and she kept covering me up with the fabrics in this really maternal way (I woke up sad because my mum used to do this when I was small – tuck the duvet in around me whilst I watched tv with my head on her lap). But every time I felt comforted by the enclosure and I started to drift off into sleep, I started awake with a huge gasp and suddenly I was frantically trying to free myself from all the fabric and panicking and gulping air and T would have to pull me out. But once I was out, I felt unsafe again, so buried myself again, but then the cycle started again. And throughout, T just felt so helpless.
If that’s not a dream that says “I’m not happy anywhere, even the safe places feel unsafe”, I don’t know what is. Therapy tomorrow, at least.