Too tired for the proper post that today deserves. I will come back to it.
I want to remember the way my heart leapt and my tummy fluttered when, after telling T about my self harm last night, she said my name in the most worried voice. No judgement, no anger, no hate. Just one, beautiful, worried sigh. I could have cried with love for her. She makes me feel so loved.
I want to remember my ex telling me that the thing he always loved the most about me was that whatever I want, I make sure I get. I’m the most determined person he knows.
I want to remember the sound of T actually doing a happy dance down the phone for me because of a good performance management at work today. Hearing her embarrassment because there were people around watching her (but she still did it anyway). It was SO cute and so happy and it was just the loveliest thing today.
I want to remember the friends who have stood by me today, who have listened when I haven’t been able to listen to them, and who haven’t judged.
I want to remember that despite today’s outcome, I spoke up for myself today. I stood up for what I needed.
I want to remember how warm I feel, curled up in the driver’s seat of my car, tear-stained face, listening to T and feeling so, so loved. Out of the hardest week, full of harming and vomiting and emotions so strong they’re poisonous, the most beautiful, loving warmth.