I’ve had night after night of awful nightmares recently, but I’ve just woken up from the sweetest dream.
I was obviously having a low ebb because I found myself back at the eating disorder treatment place. They found A (my therapist there), and she came out to see me. I slid down the counter and she sat down next to me. I sobbed and sobbed and she was so sweet, I put my head on her shoulders and she was holding me and I didn’t feel at all ashamed for crying. My children that I work with kept coming in, and I had to keep dealing with them whilst we were talking – how random. Then we went into a treatment room, and in my dream it felt like we became Little – and A was playing with her, cuddling her and loving her like you do with small children. In my dream we were really close, nose to nose at one point and cuddling and I was so young, and she was saying so much positive stuff about how much I’d improved since I left her.
Then, in my dream, she said the most beautiful thing: “you remind me of a whale. You’ve always had that dark under the surface bit, but now we’re starting to see your beautiful tricks above the surface.”
Then she had to go and I found that really, really hard – I was on my hands and knees and vomiting and sobbing. Then a girl came out to me – I don’t recognise her in reality but in my dream she was one of the girls I was in the support group with. She had been horribly skinny, but now she was a healthy weight, curvy and absolutely radiant. A man walked past (obviously meant to be a therapist there) and she told him really calmly that my upset was attachment disorder – and he just accepted this without any questioning stare or disdain. I was just accepted. Then everyone else from the support group came out, and they were all radiant and healed, too, and all so encouraging that I would be.
Such a random dream to have – I guess triggered because I am struggling a little with my weight at the moment (it has been stable at a 26.5 bmi – just above healthy – for months, now it’s going down again). But all that hope, reassurance and blatant, cuddling, warm love – particularly from someone I do miss… just gorgeous.
A soothing way to start what is going to be a very tricky day.