In my future, there is a night where I fall asleep without difficulty, and I sleep right through the night with peaceful dreams. And when I wake up in the morning, it will be with a calm stretching process, not a terrified leap out of slumber. And on the rare occasion I wake up in the night, it will be incredibly simple to fall asleep again – because my head will be clear and there will be a warm body next to me and sleep will just seem so easy. Letting go into it will be the easiest thing in the world. Or maybe there will be a night where I don’t sleep at all, but we spend the night whispering through the dark and then sleep all morning, like we used to, naked and hot and limbs all entangled and so, so in love. And maybe there is a night where I barely sleep at all, and exhaustion haunts me again, but I’ve spent the night rocking a small person and that makes the exhaustion totally worth it. And pacing the floorboards of our beautiful home makes the exhaustion worthwhile because at least one beating heart in the room is being soothed.
But that night isn’t tonight. Tonight, I’ve woken myself up screaming, because They were killing me and you were watching. You were meant to be watching Them kill me but instead you watched my eyes, never taking your eyes off me whilst They put me on the circle table and tied her hands and feet and split her down the middle. And even when her screaming stopped you never took your eyes off me but your eyes weren’t eyes they were just black instead. I’ve been asleep about three hours and I’ve woken up screaming, hot, sweaty and wet from fear. Change the sheets, shower silently, dry. Put clean pjs on and get back into bed. Pull your blanket down from my headboard, wrap it through my fingers, over my waist, then back up around my shoulder. Become a cocoon. Shut my eyes and pray until I’m crying that there will be a night where I don’t wake desperate for my mother. Desperate for you. Try to remember your voice. Try to remember its now not then. The story. Try to fall asleep again. Try to win the battle. Lie awake instead. I am so tired of fighting.
I AM SO TIRED.