I saw S today, for a massage. I had a lovely morning with my best friend, wandering round the local market and catching up on our weeks. We were both back at work this week, and it’s been a tough transition from our lovely Christmas holiday together, for both of us. We were both a bit low and overtired, but it feels comforting to at least be in that place together.
Then I saw S.
I was a tiny bit late and when I sat down, I could feel how manic and tense all the cells in me were. I filled S in on Christmas, the crisis weekend, and the week back at school. S is another professional who can look at the bigger picture with me, and she was very kind to say that she felt the last three weeks had been hugely positive. Even with last weekend, it was the most successful Christmas ever. It felt reassuring that another person can see the changes in me.
As I lay down on my front, everything hurt. My lower back, shoulders and neck were agonising and hard to even breathe. As S laid her hands on me, pressed down, it was really hard to relax into her pressure. We talked for the first twenty minutes or so, and I was barely in touch with my body – talking keeps me hovering at a level above the physical, which is how I survive through my days.
I eventually felt myself relax and our talking lessened. S worked on my neck, and I considered how far I’ve come – she had both her hands on the most incredibly vulnerable part of me and it felt nice. To even admit to it feeling anything is the most awesome progress.
She turned me onto my back. Worked on my arms, on my shoulders and chest. Then she held my head, my shoulders, in her hands. Turned my head in her hands for one shoulder, then the other way for the next. She places her hands under my shoulders and lifts me up into her hands. Hard to describe, but the feeling of being held is profound. She pours love into me, in those last minutes we’re together.
When we finish, she holds me until I sit up and away from her (I found her ‘leaving me’ too painful, so now she waits for me to leave her). It all felt too much, today. I told her it felt so hard to leave her, and then burst into tears. I sat forward, curled around my knees, and sobbed. S moved to me, held my feet and told me to let it come, to allow the feelings out. She told me to be present in the grief and to allow it to be. That love comes in and out of us in all relationships through our lives, and the grief when it goes is okay, but to remember that the love will come back. I told her it was the experience of being held – that my youngest parts just respond to it so profoundly. She laughed, and told me that I didn’t have to explain myself. She teasingly said that why did I think she went into this work? It wasn’t for the clients, it was for her! To experience that much profound holding and love.
She stayed with me for a minute or so, until I was ready to get up. I dressed, we spent a few minutes chatting and then I left, filled with love. Totally filled with love. I’ve spent most of the afternoon snoozing and cuddled in bed. It’s been such a tough week for Little, and I am so glad that she has been held by S today. I am so glad that love just pours from S’s hands, filling up even the youngest parts of me. Pouring love.