So, after the whole fiasco with the ending with S (written about here), last weekend I made the first steps towards finding a new massage/body work practitioner.
The positive part of my work with S is that I’m now much clearer about what I want – I need somebody who I can be completely honest with, who will accept all of me, who can challenge me through their work, who is able to hold the very broken parts carefully and kindly, and who will respect my needs and boundaries as I work through this journey.
I think I found them. They are all of those things, and more – intuitive, safe, thoughtful, very welcoming…
He’s also a man.
I thought it might be a huge issue for me, or for Little, but it actually wasn’t. Not at all. I felt completely safe throughout our entire session yesterday, and the only triggers that came up were from inside me, and not as a response to him. I’m impressed with myself!
F (as he will be known on here) practises Rosen bodywork. It wasn’t something I had heard about before, and I’m a fairly sceptical person, but I am pleased I tried it because yesterday’s session was very profound in lots of ways.
An outsider watching the session wouldn’t think there was very much happening. It’s sort of just a laying of his hands on me in various different places. It isn’t massage – F explained very articulately to me how massage seeks to change the body, whereas Rosen just meets the body where it is. In that sense, it is a much more accepting and welcoming process.
Considering he was basically just putting his hands in different places (I’m sure there is much more skill to this than I am portraying here!!), it was quite an emotional and deep experience. It will definitely challenge me with the things I need to work on – being accepting of myself, especially. F described to me how he imagines all the cells in our bodies like little children, sometimes fighting and not working together. By placing the hands on top of the areas of tension or unease, it is almost like iron filings to a magnet -they align and come into cooperation with each other. I definitely experienced this feeling yesterday – areas, like my back, which I know are tense, suddenly became very warm and very, very painful under his hands, followed by a sort of relaxing and a release.
There were a few parts of yesterday that made me think this work is going to be very worthwhile. When he held my feet, I suddenly felt overcome by how young I felt. I didn’t allow myself to go too far down that road – boundaries were still up a little – but certainly my feet, the back of my neck, and my waist were places that felt good and exquisitely vulnerable at the same time. They tended to come with an overwhelming sense that I couldn’t breathe – something to look at in future sessions. There was also a time when my right wrist started to really ache. He was nowhere near that part of my body, but it hurt! I mentioned this to him, and his reaction is one I need to copy – he just moved to that wrist, held it, met it where it was, and without any massage or manipulation, the pain went away. Hard to explain, but yeah.
The ending of our session was what made me know this is going to be good, though. F held my head, and then said he was going to take his hands away now. I sat bolt upright, said something about how I didn’t like being left, and hid into my knees, apologising for not mentioning that this had previously been difficult with S. He was different, though. Instead of leaving me after I’d ripped myself away, he came next to me. Asked if he could place his hand on my back, and on the top of my head. He did, and Little cried. About three seconds of really hysterical tears before I shoved her back down – but I felt her. And she had been heard, and soothed – we leant against him, said into him you feel safe, and stayed that way until moving to the ending felt less like a ripping apart of my soul, and more like a pause in our connection.
Hmm. Profound. Hard to explain, but profound! Welcome to the team, F. It’s a messy, teary madness most of the time, but I’m so glad to have found you to be a part of it.