Air.

Standard

Do not tell me
Your boundaries
Are for me.

Do not tell me that it is safer,
Kinder,
More normal.

Do not tell me that I will grow into them,
As if buying a child a pair of shoes
Far too large
Will make their toes stretch out
To fill the negative space.

Do not tell me that it is more containing,
I have had my fill of containers.
I know better than you ever will;
Cages are not safe.

Do not tell me that you care
When, in your next breath,
You need me to wait.
You need your space.

But above all the do nots,
Above all the anger,
Above all my hot tears,
Do not ever,
Ever,
EVER,
Make her feel like she is
Bad
For wanting you.

Do not ever tell her
That she is wrong to breathe,
When for so long,
There was no air.

(Or if there was,
It was poisonous.
Toxic fumes.)

Do not leave
Whilst she finds her feet,
Punch drunk,
Stumbling,
Addicted.

If you must hold a boundary,
Let it be one that says
You will not let her down.
You will not make her be alone.
You will hold her until the hurt stops.
Even if that’s uncomfortable,
Clumsy, or
Just fucking hard.
Do not make boundaries,
When she needs you to make promises.
Promise you will stand strong
Whilst she discovers
How to breath air
Without exploding her lungs,
How to know the air is there
Without grasping for it,
How to pause between breaths
In certainty that there will be another.
Stand strong.
But if you cannot –
Do not ever convince me
She is to blame.

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9 responses »

    • Thank you. Just trying to write out some of my frustration and anger caused by difficult relationships, attachment disorder and younger parts. Thank you for following me.

  1. Sounds like it didn’t go very well. I’m sorry. I hope you can be okay and still feel safe. Not an excuse, but I’m sure you already know, most therapists can not manage this work at all and cause more damage in trying to. More abandonment. Remember, she is not abandoning you. I think she is doing her best and I know you are too. I hope it doesn’t sound trite, I know this is excruciating, but hang in there. Beautiful writing.

    • Thank you. Wasn’t horrendous but left me feeling very angry. She’s triggered shit loads of abandonment stuff and it’s hard. And it makes me angry that she’s trying to make Little want her less, when that’s been our whole life up until this point. GRRRRRRRR! LOL.

  2. I’m glad it wasn’t horrendous and I wish it didn’t have to feel this way. The hardest thing that I am learning (trying to learn and accept with much kicking and screaming) is that it’s never going to be safe to rely on something (one) outside of yourself to contain that part of you. She must feel like your adult self is now strong enough to manage Little in this way. I know it does not feel that way to Little though, and just feels impossible and like more abandonment. I totally get the Grrrrrrrrr!

    • She said to me that she didn’t check up on me because she totally trusts my adult. That hurts because I feel like nobody has ever cared enough to check, even though they know I can look after myself. It’s how I ended up washing the blood from my thighs with my nighttime glass of water and the corner of my duvet, and it how I spend days feeling so alone from her now.

      I sound like an ungrateful bitch. I know she’s amazing and I know that I am so loved by other people (my best friend, especially). But I still want her.

      • >>That hurts because I feel like nobody has ever cared enough to check, even though they know I can look after myself.

        >>I sound like an ungrateful bitch. I know she’s amazing and I know that I am so loved by other people (my best friend, especially). But I still want her.

        I identify with these bits sooooooo much. OMG. Especially about being an ungrateful bitch (which you’re not, by the way, but I know how that feels). I have a really lovely boyfriend, good friends, proper solid relationships (aside from family which is a teetering house of cards balancing on a swamp) AND YET I spend most of my time wanting her over anyone else. It drives me mad. The slightest thing can make me freak out as well – and I’m in psychodynamic therapy, which means that I pretty much never get an answer about anything, ever, which also doesn’t help the freaking out.

        I think you’re doing amazingly. And that you’re stronger than you maybe realise, which is possibly what’s causing some of the anger? It might not be and apologies if not, but I have had a similar reaction to a similar situation recently; I’ve been stronger/more able, but I want her to do it because if I do it then she won’t. And dude, the abandonment rage and terror from that is IMMENSE. A huge (or tiny, depending on how you’re looking at it) part of me does need it rather than just want it, of course it does, because I never got it in the way that I needed. But I’m not getting it from her either, so it just flips me right back into my, “I am bad and alone and nobody will ever love me because I don’t deserve it” narrative that pretty much feels like it’s in my DNA.

        Boundaries are really painful when you slam into them, especially when they feel like new ones that don’t make sense. Hope you feel a bit better soon. x

        (and I’m not sure if I’ve ever commented before! If not, HI! ❤ and sorry for the uberlong comment.)

      • Oh I’m so glad you get it, lol! Yes, totally. I don’t want to do it because then she definitely won’t. Thanks for commenting, it really helps to hear that other people don’t think I’m totally batshit crazy.

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