I’m poorly, off work, which gives my head so much more time to think. I often moan about how busy and stressful my job is, but it does limit the space my head has to spiral and spiral and spiral.
T is back. Finally. It feels like it has been a whole lifetime without her, even though it wasn’t even quite two weeks. I had a very strong sense that she would come back for me this time, which is new – but the countdown is still agonising. Little really has no concept of time, so although watching a countdown helped my adult anxieties, it doesn’t really make sense to Little. A day might as well be a year or a lifetime.
But she’s back, and yesterday we spoke. I love the sounds of her on the phone. I love the way she breathes, I love the rhythm of her when she walks. She sounds familiar. She is the sound that Little knows as safety.
I had so much that I wanted to say to her before she rang, but once she was there, I almost didn’t want to. I had a real sense of the part inside me which needed her the most, not having many words, if any. Words feel inadequate for that intensity of need. We did talk, though, about my smear and some work stuff and whether she’s tanned. We talked about how anxiety can feel very like excitement, how they’re two sides of the same coin, which might explain why I always feel like I slide down a spiral of panic towards her return. She asked me if I could hear the birds singing.
Oh god, I said. You matter. You really matter. Something about her talking about the birds… she is such beauty in my world. You matter, too, she replied.
She said she needed to go and I started to panic. She was leaving again, too soon, too much. She reassured me when I am seeing her next, that her leaving doesn’t mean she is forgetting about me… and we said goodbye.
It didn’t take too long for me to become completely overwhelmed last night. I emailed her; Why is it that you’re back, we’ve spoken, I’m seeing you in 3 sleeps time and yet tonight I’m panicky and tearful about the distance between us? You feel so far away, you feel unreachable, you feel like you’re so far away I must have dropped out of your heart in the in between distance. I should be calmer tonight than I’ve been in the last two weeks, but tonight I am breaking apart with it. WHY??????? How can you feel so far away when we spoke only hours ago, when I’m sat with Rabbit completely wrapped up in your blanket? How can it feel like you must have forgotten about me, when I believed you would come back from your holiday? Why am I made almost entirely of contradictions and uncertainties?
I miss you. I am pathetic. My head wont stop and my heart hurts and Im sick of being watery eyed. Rabbit needs a cuddle.
You told me earlier that I mattered to you. How do I take that in? It is unfathomable that I could matter to you. I’m a hot mess of tears and chaos and fury and love and somehow that matters to you? How. How can I matter to you.
My head wont stop. And I can’t see the stars tonight.
She replied, just as I was finally drifting off to sleep. The stars are still there even when you can’t see them. And you do matter.
I don’t know why. I can’t understand how she can care. It doesn’t make sense to me how somebody so filled with all the beauty in the world can possibly want anything to do with me. After a really difficult month or so with her, she continues to amaze me by her ability to love me even when my behaviour is totally unlovable. I can’t understand it and that makes me so anxious, so tumultuous inside with so many emotions I cannot name. But I know two things for certain – I am so grateful she is willing to be in my life, and I love her, more than I could ever possibly have imagined.