Storytime.

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I’ve seen T twice this week, to try and find some grounding after all the anger at the end of last week.

Monday’s session was tough. We agreed dates and actually it is much less bad than it looked on email – there is one week where I am just a few days earlier in the week than I would usually be, and then her holiday week that I already knew. The rest are stable which feels good.

There was lots of switching between  Little and Sass. Eventually I asked T to sit with me and read… she brought Owl Babies over and we curled up together.

After the first page or so, I became overwhelmed by a total blind panic. I couldn’t breathe, had to slam the book shut and just couldn’t let her say one more word of the book. I dug myself into T, one hand clenching one of her fingers and I howled. Lost quite a lot of time, clung to her.

Slowly, gently, she skipped to the end of the story to show me that mummy does come back. I peeled away from her, but I still left her feeling very out of sorts, and spent a lot of the night throwing up with whatever emotional angst had bubbled up.

On Thursday’s session this week, we talked about adult things that needed a catch up eg work, friendships etc. Then she read my new book, Wild by Emily Hughes. She asked me what it was like to be read to – I told her how much we love it, but I didn’t know what had scared me on Monday. T said she had been thinking that maybe Little had been scared by the owl babies being alone in the dark, and so she had found a book that may help, so we settled down to read it.

It is called ‘Can’t You Sleep, Little Bear’, which is a delightful book about Little Bear not being able to sleep because he is scared of the dark all around them. Big Bear tries to help by bringing lanterns but that doesn’t help because there is still dark outside.

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Finally, Big Bear decides to take Little Bear outside, into the dark. Little Bear is scared, clinging to Big Bear and hiding, but Big Bear shows him the moon and the stars. As he shows them, he says,

“I’ve brought you the moon, Little Bear. The bright yellow moon and all the twinkly stars.”

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After hearing this, Little Bear falls asleep in Big Bear’s arms, and they both sleep together in front of the fire. It’s lush.

I turned back to the page with them stood in front of the moon. My eyes welled up with the importance of this, the message she was giving to me by having thought about this book. I snuggled into her chest, pulled Rabbit to cover my eyes so our whole world was T, and the dark.

“You can remember me reading to you, that I’ve brought you the moon and the stars.” T said.

“I love you.” I said.

She giggled, cuddled me in to her even tighter, and that’s where we stayed; me dozing to the sound of her heartbeat and the rhythm of the rise and fall of her breathing, moving me with her, up and down. I eventually got up and left the session, but my heart is still with her. In her arms, watching the moon and stars together.

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6 responses »

  1. Can’t You Sleep Little Bear was one of the first books that I got when I started to get books for my insides. I eventually collected all of the Little Bear books that were out. My husband used to read it to me before bed- yes, I went through a period when he did story time for me most nights. We still refer to things having a chain and a big hook when we want to say that something is oversized.

    Thank you for writing about the fact that you curl up against your therapist. I don’t do it all that often, but those sessions when I have done so tend to be particularly meaningful. She says that she thinks that even though my mother loved me and tried to do her best, she thinks that I didn’t get mirrored very often, based on the type of contact that I tend to do best with. And when I am working with very young parts, words from across the room don’t do nearly as much good as a soothing presence that accepts everything that I’m feeling, isn’t afraid of my feelings, and is physically right up against me that I can learn from and eventually start to recreate for myself.

    I get the impression that there aren’t very many therapists who can work this way, but it sounds like it has been good for both of us that we have found someone who can.

    • Yes. Definitely feel extremely lucky to have found somebody who will cuddle me as much as talk to me. In fact, both my therapists are very tactile and that helps me hugely. Sometimes they say so much more than words!

      I will have to start collecting the Little Bear books. Have you read any of the fox books by Debi Gliori? No Matter What is my all time favourite story, and this reminds me of it.

      • No, I don’t know that author. I’ll have to take a look. Another absolute favorite is When the Sun Rose. I don’t know if it’s still in print. The art is lovely, it is gentle, yet somehow it made my insides feel empowered. It also has a gorgeous lion in it.

  2. Goodness… I don’t know where you found your therapist… I’m really interested and intrigued by the way that she works with you… Does this type of therapy have a name?
    I don’t know how I’d feel about physical contact…

    Stay safe.

    ff

  3. Sounds like a lovely book. I am going to look into finding it for our Littles. I am always so surprised by the amount of physical contact you have with your T. I rarely hear about touch at all, let alone holding or cuddling. I’m sure that has to do with our culture around touching and litigation, honestly. I’m not sure I would respond well to it, but it’s beautiful that this works so well for you. xo

  4. You’ve found a real treasure in your therapist. Little bear is one of our littles favourites. Another one is the velvetine rabbit. They love where he becmes real, because he is loved so much. I hope you had a good weekend. XX

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