I’ve seen T twice this week, to try and find some grounding after all the anger at the end of last week.
Monday’s session was tough. We agreed dates and actually it is much less bad than it looked on email – there is one week where I am just a few days earlier in the week than I would usually be, and then her holiday week that I already knew. The rest are stable which feels good.
There was lots of switching between Little and Sass. Eventually I asked T to sit with me and read… she brought Owl Babies over and we curled up together.
After the first page or so, I became overwhelmed by a total blind panic. I couldn’t breathe, had to slam the book shut and just couldn’t let her say one more word of the book. I dug myself into T, one hand clenching one of her fingers and I howled. Lost quite a lot of time, clung to her.
Slowly, gently, she skipped to the end of the story to show me that mummy does come back. I peeled away from her, but I still left her feeling very out of sorts, and spent a lot of the night throwing up with whatever emotional angst had bubbled up.
On Thursday’s session this week, we talked about adult things that needed a catch up eg work, friendships etc. Then she read my new book, Wild by Emily Hughes. She asked me what it was like to be read to – I told her how much we love it, but I didn’t know what had scared me on Monday. T said she had been thinking that maybe Little had been scared by the owl babies being alone in the dark, and so she had found a book that may help, so we settled down to read it.
It is called ‘Can’t You Sleep, Little Bear’, which is a delightful book about Little Bear not being able to sleep because he is scared of the dark all around them. Big Bear tries to help by bringing lanterns but that doesn’t help because there is still dark outside.
Finally, Big Bear decides to take Little Bear outside, into the dark. Little Bear is scared, clinging to Big Bear and hiding, but Big Bear shows him the moon and the stars. As he shows them, he says,
“I’ve brought you the moon, Little Bear. The bright yellow moon and all the twinkly stars.”
After hearing this, Little Bear falls asleep in Big Bear’s arms, and they both sleep together in front of the fire. It’s lush.
I turned back to the page with them stood in front of the moon. My eyes welled up with the importance of this, the message she was giving to me by having thought about this book. I snuggled into her chest, pulled Rabbit to cover my eyes so our whole world was T, and the dark.
“You can remember me reading to you, that I’ve brought you the moon and the stars.” T said.
“I love you.” I said.
She giggled, cuddled me in to her even tighter, and that’s where we stayed; me dozing to the sound of her heartbeat and the rhythm of the rise and fall of her breathing, moving me with her, up and down. I eventually got up and left the session, but my heart is still with her. In her arms, watching the moon and stars together.