Like a Fool

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Dear Ex,

I try to write posts about you often – I often get the sense that there are words that need to come out. But I thought of you tonight, whilst I was choking down tears that had appeared from nowhere. Triggered by some innocuous lyrics in a film, they suddenly overwhelmed me and I found all the grief, that used to hurt me in the days after we split, come flooding back.

This is the song that upset me:

And these are the lyrics:

We take a chance from time to time
And put our necks out on the line
And you have broken every promise that we made
And I have loved you anyway

Took a fine time to leave me hangin’ out to dry
Understand now I’m greivin’
So don’t you waste my time
Cause you have taken
All the wind out from my sails
And I have loved you just the same

We finally find this
Then you’re gone
Been chasin’ rainbows all along
And you have cursed me
When there’s no one left to blame
And I have loved you just the same

And you have broken every single fucking rule
And I have loved you like a fool

It has been 1 year and 7 months since we split. Less since I moved out, but still, more and more time is passing between the ‘us’ that we were then, and the ‘us’ that we are now.

Now, we barely speak. If I text, you never reply – if I ring, sometimes you might pick up but you are never that committed to actually sharing time with me. You do still let me see the dogs, and I am forever grateful that you have not stopped me from ever seeing two of the greatest things in my life. But you aren’t exactly willing – it is always a mammoth task to arrange a time because, bluntly, I’m one of the absolute least important things to you now.

But then, maybe that wasn’t so different ‘before’.

The song upset me because of the honest way it portrays the ending of us. It upset me because it reminded me of how foolish I have been, with and because of our love.  I loved you with everything I had to give. I loved you wholeheartedly and unthinkingly, without shame or any fear. I loved you, and in loving you I gave you every piece of me until I was no longer myself, but rather an extension of you. I loved you like a fool – through all of the difficult times, the times when you made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, through all the times you ground down my edges, trying and mostly failing to fit me into the boxes you wanted me to fit. I loved you through all my doubts, because I believed our stupid little decorative picture that said love makes things possible, not easy. I must have been chasing rainbows all along.

I am going on a date tomorrow. I like him – I have spent the last 19 months finding myself in amongst the ashes of me that you left behind, and I finally feel ready to unveil the reincarnation of myself to someone else. I am a little nervous, but I am excited – I like him. I’m sad though, too.

I am sad because I think maybe I will always love ‘us’. Not the ‘us’ we became, but the ‘us’ we once were. The ‘us’ we were when we used to drive with no destination because we just wanted to be together – the ‘us’ we were when we visited the whole of Paris in one day. I still keep the letters and cards we wrote each other, because they are my only proof now of the promises we made – those that you made me. I keep them because they force me to remember the ‘us’ we were.

I think I will always love what could have been for those two youngsters, bright eyed and with their hearts on their sleeves. Alongside that, I will always feel immensely sad for who I was in that time – that young girl, lost in her own nightmares and desperately, desperately trying to make you love her the way she loved you. I got it wrong a million times over, but dear god I tried to be everything you wanted me to be. I can see now how unrealistic your expectations were, and it now makes sense to me how you managed to eat away at my self-esteem, but I still tried. For the 7 and a bit years we were together, I tried to be your image of perfection, even when I was failing because of its impossibility. I never gave up trying for you, not once in nearly 8 years.

I think I will always grieve for who we could have been, if we’d met 10 years later or had less baggage between us. Maybe if we’d had more support, if we hadn’t been so isolated because we pushed everyone away when they disagreed with our love. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I think maybe there will always be that twinge I get when I hear someone has called their baby one of the names we picked out, or when I say something and hear you in the words and tone of my voice. I will always grieve for us, at least a little, because I loved you with my whole heart, and I loved who we could have been. Who you promised me, for years, that we would be. I will love you, always. That seems inevitable. But I can see now, just how much I loved you like a fool. Like a stupid, devoted fool.

Love,

Me.

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6 responses »

  1. I do hope, despite your prediction, that you don’t grief, even a little, forever. By the way, I seem to have missed the password on the last post. Be well.

    • Me too. But we were together for what feels like the most important formative years of adult life and although I’ve moved on from him (I would never go back to him and no longer find him attractive etc.) I do fear that I’m going to grieve for what could have been, forever.

      If you send me an email to prettylittlefreak1990@gmail.com or give me your email I am very happy to share the password x

  2. Sometimes, its harder to let go of what was, or what could have been. I’m sorry you have this grief in your life, and i hope you don’t grieve forever.

    And, i really hope the date goes well. Xx

  3. Wow this really hit me. i am glad that I stumbled onto your blog. You are a passionate writer. I don’t know if I will ever be able to love this way, I think about it, but then I think about all the hurt I have had/seen in my short life and I don’t know if I even believe in the kind of love you write about and that makes me a little sad and envious. I am envious because even though you are heartbroken and you lost it, you were willing and able to love in such a way and I believe that if you find another then you will love that way again. I am sad because I don’t know if I will ever love that way, a long time ago I might have believed in a love so consuming and real like this, but now I am not so sure. Anyway, hope you are well and I will definitely be reading.

    • Have you ever seen the film ‘Hector and the Search for Happiness’? It’s a good film and worth a watch. He goes on a journey to find out what makes people happy. One of his discoveries is “avoiding unhappiness isn’t the route to happiness” and that’s the life motto I’m trying to live by at the moment. Life hurts and when you get happiness there has to be the opposite, so you can see both. My relationship I wrote about here had so many horribly painful parts with an unhappy ending but god did we love each other. We really, really did. And I think that makes it worthwhile? And even though I’ve been hurt there will be happiness again. I’m in a very new relationship now and it’s already different and good and exciting.

      Keep the faith. Avoiding further unhappiness is not the route to happiness. Be brave. And thank you for following, it always makes me so excited when the notification pops up xx

      • I have not seen that movie, but I will put it on my to watch list for sure. I understand what you are saying. I am in a relationship, but even though I am now it is still hard to give all myself after everything. I understand that life is about the good and bad, sometimes the bad seems to be a bit much though. We must keep going though. I am glad that you are in something new and hopefully that works out. The main thing though is to enjoy it and just see where it takes you. I understand what you are saying about the follow, I get the same way. 🙂

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