It’s been over a month since I last posted. I have kept meaning to, but things have been so busy and though I have had snippets of what I wanted to write, those thoughts have never been coherent enough to drive me to put them down on paper. Or screen. So, this post is really going to be a catching-up sort of a post, so that I can get up to date with everything that has been building up during the past month.
Therapy has been quiet. T and I feel the most calm and balanced we have been in a long time – maybe even ever. I’ve been getting to our sessions without too much to say, which always makes me feel a little bit like I am failing in therapy, but then I think this state of calm is also doing us the world of good. T is on holiday at the moment – she’s in Italy for a week – and I really haven’t freaked out about it too much. Even considering a tricky last therapy session (to do with relationships – will post that below), and a minor freak out afterwards that she must think I’m yuk… those worries were brushed away with a conversation by email the next day, and really haven’t lingered. I feel exceptionally secure with her. She’s away, and that sucks, but Little has been very quiet about it and I do genuinely believe she is going to come back. It has helped that in our last session, she offered for us to have a half hour phone call during the time she was away. This was very out of the blue, but very appreciated and really helped me cement inside my thick skull that I matter to her – she cares, even when she is in a different time zone. She cares, and I matter. Those five words pretty much sum up how therapy is making me feel right now. I feel secure.
I have been on a month long break from R – only because we couldn’t get timings to match properly. It hasn’t mattered… which is wonderful. I am looking forward to seeing her on Saturday, but it isn’t building up to a major crisis, which the break would have previously caused. We are spending our sessions talking about the relationship stuff really – but in a very calm, grown up way, which is really helpful. R has been very open and shared elements of herself during these chats (her previous relationship, how she decided on values she wanted in the next person etc) and that’s really helped me to feel like dating again is something that normal people do. So, I guess I’m feeling really secure there, too.
I have only had one massage with F this month. I think after the session where I totally panicked and was very, very sick, things have felt a bit odd, and Little doesn’t feel ready to get back into it yet. I think that is partially because I’m being intimate with the new boyfriend, so I feel exposed for plenty enough of the week as it is! Maybe Little is doing so much of that processing that massage would be one thing too much. I am trying to just let myself be with this… F will still be there if I decide to go back, and if I don’t, then I know that he will totally understand this. I know there is no judgement in what I do from here, and that in itself is very secure and holding.
GP is still being his awesome self. I adore him and Little adores him even more (if that is possible). He is this safe, secure, strong man and I know I am safe with him. That is HUGE! I worry constantly that he will get bored of me and leave me, but he promises he won’t… and while he’s still here, he’s just wonderful. This weekend had a bit of a crisis (contraception failure) and he was so calm he managed to drag me back down to earth, even when T is away. He’s a particularly important figure in my life whilst I start out dating – safe male figure, and I trust his judgement (and love, love, love that he will relate his life to mine without that therapy boundary) – and starting this new job – I want him to be proud of me and I want him to think I’m doing a good job, but I also feel completely secure that he will catch me if I fall, too. He tells me that he thinks I’m doing well, and I believe him. Like, actually believe him. Between him and T, I feel parented and secure.
I feel so secure at the moment that for the first time ever, I’m seeing a time when I won’t be in twice weekly therapy. This isn’t coming any time soon, but I can see a time when I’m still attached to T (and GP) but a few steps further away. A time when the baby reins become a little longer, a little looser. I will still want to know they’re there, and I am not sure that will ever go away, but I suddenly have this vision of the person I’m going to be. That’s incredible.
Then, the boyfriend… it’s been over a month now. I’m waiting to find out the thing that is wrong with him… there must be something! He is kind, funny, adventurous, honest, and he seems to really like me… I was very honest about my background early on, and he’s taken that very much in his stride. The only time I get worried is when I start to think about him in the bigger picture – when my mind runs away with me and I start to wonder if he’s ‘the one’… but my best friend tells me to worry about if I am happy right now – if I am, then that’s enough. The future will look after itself. Right now, he makes me happy and that’s enough for now – we’ll worry about the rest when it comes. I will put all the intimacy stuff into another post, but even that is so new and so wonderful – he is so different to my ex and for the first time in my life I feel like this happy, body confident, secure adult who has enjoyable, safe intimacy. The only struggle I am having is that I am craving time to myself – I miss my independence and alone time. I am carving that out in my week now, though, and that is helping me feel like I am still being true to myself, whilst also being true to this happy, in-a-relationship person that I am!
Things are good. Really good. The sun is shining and I can feel myself shining in happiness and security and safety. Things aren’t perfect, but I’m starting to really feel that it is okay for things to not be perfect – for ME to not be perfect. I’m not meant to be perfection – I am just meant to be me. And (even though I can’t quite believe it), there are people in my life who love me despite (or in spite of, or because of…) those imperfections.
One of my favourite poets is Tyler Knott Gregson. There are two of his poems that sum up how I’m feeling more eloquently than I ever could.
This photo is my feet, and the boyfriend’s. We’re in my favourite place in the whole… I love this photo because it reminds me of who I am, what I’ve learned about myself, what I love and how beautiful life is. Because even though sometimes it is dark, I am starting to find out just how much I am in love with the light in life. I am mesmerised by the light.