It’s been 49 hours since I last heard it, as I walked out of our session. 49. That’s it. But I’ve lost her sound, somewhere under the screaming and crying I can hear inside me it is hidden from me. The more I try to find the lyrical roll of her voice the further it is slipping from me and I’m panicking. I’ve emailed her but it’s the weekend.
Spent all of yesterday reading the new Jodi Picoult book, called Leaving Time. Story is okay, about a daughter who loses her mother and tries to find her. Throughout the book is information about elephants. How they grieve, how they parent… how much more successful they are at both than humans are. I reached the end and it made me sob for T. Elephants do a thing called allomothering, where if the biological mother cannot cope or provide for whatever reason, they seek out another to be given love and reassurance, and have their needs met. But if they can’t find an allomother, then elephant calves die, without exception. Why can’t T be my elephant mother? 😦
Today I have spent the day playing with clay, because with dirty hands I can’t cut and because I can’t seem to use words to make this go away. I hurt. I just hurt. I fucking HURT and it won’t go away it WON’T GO AWAY. I can’t make it stop.
The first two are of Little. The third is my prayer for T right now. I started with a bowl, a basket for safe holding. Then I added huge, safe arms and her head adding to the encapsulation. There is a tiny baby inside. She looks a bit like a bug actually, but whatever she is, she’s screaming. If clay could make noise, it would be the noise inside my head right now.
I was tearful and panicky earlier and I couldn’t calm so I went to voicemail and my phone has wiped all of the voices that make me feel safe. T’s voicemails, GP’s. I can’t remember T’s voice, I can’t remember what she sounds like – I can’t remember. I can’t remember I can’t remember I CAN’T REMEMBER I can’t remember.
I know it’s Saturday and I know I will survive til Monday or Thursday and I know that T knows this too and so she probably won’t even read her email til Monday. I know this too shall pass but I can’t remember what it feels like and I can’t remember what she sounds like. All I can hear is me 😦