I Can’t Remember Her Voice

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It’s been 49 hours since I last heard it, as I walked out of our session. 49. That’s it. But I’ve lost her sound,  somewhere under the screaming and crying I can hear inside me it is hidden from me. The more I try to find the lyrical roll of her voice the further it is slipping from me and I’m panicking. I’ve emailed her but it’s the weekend.

Spent all of yesterday reading the new Jodi Picoult book, called Leaving Time. Story is okay, about a daughter who loses her mother and tries to find her. Throughout the book is information about elephants. How they grieve, how they parent… how much more successful they are at both than humans are. I reached the end and it made me sob for T. Elephants do a thing called allomothering, where if the biological mother cannot cope or provide for whatever reason, they seek out another to be given love and reassurance, and have their needs met. But if they can’t find an allomother, then elephant calves die, without exception. Why can’t T be my elephant mother? 😦 

Today I have spent the day playing with clay, because with dirty hands I can’t cut and because I can’t seem to use words to make this go away. I hurt. I just hurt. I fucking HURT and it won’t go away it WON’T GO AWAY. I can’t make it stop. 

The first two are of Little. The third is my prayer for T right now. I started with a bowl, a basket for safe holding. Then I added huge, safe arms and her head adding to the encapsulation. There is a tiny baby inside. She looks a bit like a bug actually, but whatever she is, she’s screaming. If clay could make noise, it would be the noise inside my head right now.

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I was tearful and panicky earlier and I couldn’t calm so I went to voicemail and my phone has wiped all of the voices that make me feel safe. T’s voicemails, GP’s. I can’t remember T’s voice, I can’t remember what she sounds like – I can’t remember. I can’t remember I can’t remember I CAN’T REMEMBER I can’t remember. 

I know it’s Saturday and I know I will survive til Monday or Thursday and I know that T knows this too and so she probably won’t even read her email til Monday. I know this too shall pass but I can’t remember what it feels like and I can’t remember what she sounds like. All I can hear is me 😦 

x

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24 responses »

  1. Perhaps she can be found in the silence between your words and her words — in her presence — in the things essential to her “being” that go beyond her voice. Good luck with this.

  2. Wow. We are reading the same book! I’m only half way thru tho. I’m v much comforted by all the elephant talk. Something about there being such gentle giants around. Love the claywork x

  3. I really relate to what you write, and appreciate you being so honest about your fears and pain. It actually helps me a great deal to know I am not the only one who has difficulty remembering between sessions. Sending support and hoping your pain is easing up. xx

    • I would LOVE a recording of her voice right now. Usually I can listen to old voicemails but my phone wiped them. I can’t find the words to ask her to record her voice :/

      • Write her a note maybe? 🙂 I don’t dare ask too, so I secretly recorded *guilty blush*

      • Hah! That made me smile. Therapy is a wonderful, crazy thing, isn’t it?! I’m sort of hoping she will bring it up, because she has had an entire weekend of I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE by email and text… but knowing her she will probably wait for me to ask for what I need instead :/ bloody therapists! 😛

    • Thanks for your support. She did reply and now it is Monday so we can speak this evening. Just bloody hard, and she goes away next week – I know you’re suffering with that right now. Xx

  4. Well done for making clay and doing your blog, I’m very proud of you. I am here for you on days like this though so please tell me when you feel like this and I might be able to help in a small way. I hope things feel a bit more bearable today and you have a good day with Tom.
    We are going to Granny’s, but you can text or ring me at anytime.
    I love you to the moon and stars and back again all by bicycle. Xxxxxxx

    Sent from my iPad

    >

  5. You brought me to tears. As usual. There is so much loss and pain around us. Hang on … Just breathe and hang on. You are right, this too shall pass. Monday is almost here.
    It’s good that you are able to express yourself through art.
    Hugs to you

    • Thank you, sorry for the tears! Monday is here now and we will speak in a few hours. Weekends are always hardest, lack of professional structure makes me more panicky and clingy than usual.

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