Today has been the first day in months and months that I’ve done nothing. NOTHING. I stayed in bed until I physically couldn’t any longer, then I moved to the sofa with my duvet and stayed there. Now I’m back in bed.
My dad told me some very scary health news yesterday. C word health news. And now we wait – for a more detailed diagnosis, and a plan.
This, along with the inevitable Christmas holiday therapy break, and my partner being away and uncontactable… it’s all collapsed in on me. I woke up this morning and for the first time in such a long time I just couldn’t move. That feeling of depression and lack of energy and soul… I used to feel this always. Now it’s knocked me because I don’t ever feel like this.
I’ve eaten nothing, I’ve drunk the bare minimum, I haven’t got changed, I haven’t washed… I’ve laid still, and cut. I cut because I needed to punish myself for so many of my thoughts, and because I needed to let some of this out from inside me. There is nothing I can do on my own that is more soothing to me than watching my blood pool.
I am terrified he is going to die. I am terrified there is going to be a life without him, and that maybe that life will come quicker than I was planning. I am not ready to be an adult – I’m still his little girl. He still fixes my mistakes and he’s my go-to person for any and every issue. I’m scared that he will get ill and I am too far away to care for him. I am scared that he won’t be there to walk me down the aisle. I’m scared my children won’t know him. I’m scared that I’ve not been listening properly to his mountains of (often unwanted!) advice and that when he’s gone I won’t remember. I am scared that my mum won’t cope. I am scared that I will have to grow up. I am scared that he will die and I won’t be the person he hoped I would be. I am scared that this illness is going to take him from me. I am absolutely fucking terrified.
I cannot cope without knowledge. I am always so much better if I know things or have a plan, and for two more weeks there is no plan… We just wait. We wait until we find out.
I’m not religious. Praying would be hypocritical. But I am desperate in my need for him to be okay. Most of that need is selfish and immature but it’s also overwhelming and the first time I’ve ever genuinely considered he might not be around forever. I am a child and he’s my dad, my superhero. I’m not ready for that balance to change so it will just have to be okay. I will make it okay.
Today has been a write off. The harming has instantly calmed me and now it’s time to sleep. I hope this is just an interruption – that our happy peace will resume after he receives the most positive option for his results. It is not allowed to go wrong. For the first time in forever my whole family is happy… and now this. This is not allowed. It cannot happen. This is only an interruption.