For the first time in ages I’ve got a whole day to myself! I love my boyfriend and I love my friends and family, but my alone time is almost sacred to me. It’s pure bliss, to lie in and then laze around in the sunshine that shines onto me through our blinds at this time in the morning. It’s not every day, or even every week or month sometimes… but times when I get to just be me, me on my own in my own space and own head… it’s bliss.
It’s also the only time when I get the urge to write. I check my reader almost ever day and I comment sometimes on other blogs, but it feels impossible for me to write when I’m not alone. Even if I’m in the bath or if he’s doing something else away from me… no. For me to write, I need space, quiet, and aloneness. So here I am.
Recently, life feels like a lot has changed even though it doesn’t look that different. I need to write about it. So, therapy.
After the new year, T and I talked about cutting down face to face sessions. Last year, we had been meeting weekly (full session) and then also speaking weekly (half session). Then, in the run up to Christmas, life got so busy that the half sessions just sort of stopped without a plan or a decision. They just weren’t there anymore. I also felt like our face to face sessions were becoming a bit pointless – we weren’t talking about anything that I felt was ‘proper therapy’… so we talked about steps down from therapy.
I cannot do boundaries, enforcements or absolutes, so we made a plan that was just a rough guide. Not to be stuck to. Alternating sessions – one week face to face, one week on the phone. We would keep our weekly session time, so if I needed to go in instead of call, or if I really didn’t fancy going in, we could be flexible.
First week was a disaster. I tried to force myself into absolutely no contact with T between our sessions. Panic, tears, tantrums… and I went in for our supposed first phone session. I was panicked that, by going in, I would never be able to cut down sessions – almost as if failing once would mean I would never be able to succeed. But, since then, we’ve alternated sessions. In fact, since January, I think I’ve seen her three times. Three times in two months. Obviously we’ve spoken in between those times, but that feels like a huge step. It feels hard to be proud of myself when technically I’m still in as much therapy as I was before, but it’s different. And it’s progress.
It seemed to work after our discussion during the session when I went in when I wasn’t planning to. We talked, really openly and honestly, about what had gone wrong… and T suggested that both she and I had been looking at it the wrong way. We had been considering how to help me separate, but that was wrong – what we needed what to help me carry our immense and beautiful connection to wherever I was. To stretch the invisible ties between us as far as I wanted to go. The next step shouldn’t be about separation, it should be about connection.
T asked me to ‘consciously email’ rather than banning myself from emailing. She suggested that every time Little even vaguely wanted to contact her, I just let her. So that’s where we are – and it’s working fine. I still feel really connected, our relationship feels as strong as ever (if not even stronger because we’re really doing this – I’m moving on, growing up!) and I’m still balanced. I’m still well.
I went to see her for our session last week and it was weird to be back in my space on the sofa after 21 days. Really weird. It took me a while to slip back in to feeling at home with her… but she came to my sofa for a cuddle and it all slotted back into place. I think we will reach a place where our face to face sessions are purely a time for Little, whilst our phone sessions are a time for adult me. That feels really, genuinely okay. Really good 🙂
R and I have also re – looked at our therapy sessions together. We’ve made them very strictly once every month, same time same place, and that is feeling really good, too. She’s an incredible support and a wonderful person – that pillar of my support base is as strong as ever.
GP and I are in contact regularly, but I didn’t see him for over 6 weeks, and that felt really okay. He was a constant, guiding support through my dad’s illness and treatment (thankfully all over for the moment, now) but I haven’t needed him in such an intensive way. That also feels okay.
Sometimes there are wobbles but so far, 2016 has brought huge progress with regards to me and therapy. Or I guess, WE’VE brought huge progress. Between T, R, GP and I, we are all working really hard to keep our connections and relationships as I test out what it’s like to be further away from their bases of safety and as I try out what it’s like to be a bit more independently responsible for my own wellbeing. At times it’s hard work, and it’s BEEN really almost impossible work in the past, but right now it’s really paying off.
I feel like these words from my favourite poet really sum everything up right now:
So true. Right now I am standing in total wonder 🙂