I’m sure there is a quote I’ve heard before, about knowing you’re in love when you think every love song is written about the two of you. I tried to find it before writing this post but I couldn’t. It’s true, though, whoever said it. So many songs make me think about him.
We’ve been together 11 months tomorrow, and in some ways it still feels like the strangest thing. A year ago today, we hadn’t even started talking. We had no idea of each other’s existence. I was living in a room on my own with a life I was loving, but a few days before I had decided I was missing someone to share my life with. It had taken me 18 months to even consider dating again after splitting from my ex. I had needed to find myself and be truly selfish for a while… but then one day I decided I would start dating again.
In 11 months we’ve met, fallen in love, moved in together, and we’ve nearly bought a house. Crazy to see how it’s changed.
Love itself is pretty crazy though. Falling in love, becoming a partnership and a team and finding how you work together, intertwined and yet still separate… it’s crazy.
I had no idea that it was possible to be with somebody and still be wholeheartedly myself. Bigger than that, though… I had no idea that being with him would actually make it easier to be myself. He makes it easier for me to be brave and try new things and believe in myself. Being with him is like having this back up team, someone who will talk to me about what I want to do for hours before I do it… and then be there no matter what the outcome. I thought I would lose part of my dreams and ambitions and hobbies because that was my prior experience… but if anything he’s made it easier to be myself.
I had no idea that it was possible to be so excited about being a team, or that my soul would feel like it’s been waiting my whole life to find this perfect person who has a soul it can link to. I had no idea how exciting it would be to suddenly see a world open out in front of me, full of exciting possibilities we can choose together. Choosing a house was a long, arduous process, but standing in the living room on a first visit, catching each other’s eye and knowing without speaking that this was THE ONE… that was amazing. Talking about furniture, writing down curtain codes in John Lewis… not in itself wildly exciting, but having a future with him IS wildly exciting.
I had no idea how easy it would be to know he was the one. I hadn’t realised that it would be a case of deciding but of just knowing, deep down. That’s not to say that relationships aren’t challenging sometimes and I still believe you have to continually choose each other throughout, but knowing that he was the one I wanted to choose was easy. I had no idea it would be so much deeper than all those tick boxes and must haves on the Internet dating form. I had no idea that my soul would want him because I can see him bouncing a baby we’ve made together, because I can see him chasing our children around a garden or up a mountain. I had no idea that it would be possible to match with somebody so perfectly that I just KNOW he’s right.
I had no idea how much fun it would be. I was worried that not being single anymore would make life less fun, but it’s done the opposite. He makes me laugh hundreds of times a day. He has this whole head full of ideas and things he wants to try, and being with him opens up new possibilities for fun. He doesn’t stop me from doing the things I loved to do before and mostly will join in with them. I had no idea how happy I would feel, getting in the car and knowing that I am driving home to him. Even when things feel really shitty in life, being with him is fun.
I had no idea how much I would love feel loved, and how much I would love him. I’m most aware of that feeling on Sunday mornings. He gets up and leaves me to nap whilst he watches a programme on TV. Then, he brings breakfast back to bed, and we eat alongside each other. Afterwards, we lie in bed and talk and laugh and sometimes make love and throughout all of it, the sun shines through our bedroom blinds onto our bodies and without doubt, every time I think how lucky I am. How incredible it is to love him and be loved by him. I had no idea how amazing it would feel to fall asleep wrapped up in his arms, or to hear him whisper that he is going to marry me one day. I had no idea how much I would just want to touch him and be near him. I had no idea that home would stop being a place and start being him.
I feel so immensely lucky. This song below, Breath by Emily Barker… it says everything about us, I want it at our wedding and every time I listen to it it makes me smile. It reminds me of all he has brought to my life, how lucky I am. What an amazing 11 months 🙂
I woke up this morning without you by my side
So I beckoned my mind to come walk for a while
We strolled back to a night when your breath fell around me
And your arms were holding me tight
I see rain outside my window today
But I feel sunshine inside me since you came my way
All your kisses are like a food I could live off for days
And the longer I stay here the longer I wanna stay
Oh-oo I wanna hold you a long time
Oh-oo I want you a long while
For home is my head laying down on your shoulder
And there is nowhere I’d rather be
Love was before a cold, gravel road
There were cracks in my boots and I got mud on my toes
But I walked and I walked until I came to a well
Where the wish it was granted and the two of us fell
Can’t look at your hand without imaging it on me
Can’t look in your eyes without seeing I’m blinded
By your words and your lips and by your tender hand movements
Oh what did you do to me?