Hi blog world. Sorry I’ve been gone a while.
I’m getting married 🙂 my incredible partner asked me to marry him as the sun went down in one of our favourite places in the world. My ‘yes’ was so obvious, instinctive and very heartfelt. A happy day.
Since then things have got messy with my family. The ins and outs are unimportant. What matters is what is has highlighted. How little they know me. How little they understand about who I am, at my core. The soul of me. How little they know how much I’ve grown, how much of my own strength I have found. It’s shown me how, even when things look okay on the surface, there is damage that runs so deep. So, so deep.
T and I have had a few months where I have seen her monthly, and spoken in between. This stepping down has felt okay up until everything kicked off about the wedding. It was a vulnerable week anyway as T was on holiday (poor lady… I’ve spent weeks not really wanting to be in therapy, she takes two weeks off and I’m desperate for her!). Once it all kicked off, the only thing I wanted was T.
Before T went away, we had a session around parenting. In coming down in session frequency, I have found a real risk of loss of her parenting of me. I know it’s therapy, I know I’m a client, she sits with me because I pay her, blah blah blah…but that’s all unimportant crap really. T has done a better, deeper and more loving job of raising me,emotionally at least, than my parents ever managed. It has terrified me that in coming down in sessions, she would come down in care for me.
“It’s ironic, really,” I said, “being a good therapist means people will leave you.”
“It’s a bit like parenting in that way.” T replied. “Good parenting is about helping your child be ready to leave you eventually.”
This hurt. I am not ready to leave her.
“In a way it is more authentic than traditional parenting. I spent most of my childhood hiding everything from my parents. Nothing is hidden here.”
So that’s the basis for tonight’s session. The authenticity of my feelings around what my parents do, the feeling of total relief at being honest with the person who taught me how to feel and cope with all those range of emotions I had no way of managing or understanding as a child. Just to share with her how sad things feel was incredible.
T is the bubble wrap around me. She is the protection I need that makes the world feel a bit more okay when it’s too sharp, too acidic and abrasive. She’s also the protection that the world needs against me sometimes – when I’m too many sharp edges and cutting points… when the world and I are incompatible, T is the connection that helps me and the world merge back together.
I don’t know whether T will be able to come to watch me get married. I know it is astronomically unlikely. I will of course understand if she can’t – I am getting married miles away!…but I will need to weave her through the wedding in some way. I have learned how to love authentically, wholly and without fear because of her. The wedding is happening because of the work and love she poured into me before I even met him… all that work we did to put my broken pieces back together and to make me whole enough to meet another whole person and make our team, soon to become our marriage. I need her to be with me, on that day and every day going forward. She’s the bubble wrap around me. She shields me when the world is too sharp and I will need her forever, in some way or another.
In all the sadness, tonight I’ve been reminded of how lucky I’ve been to meet somebody who’s been willing and able to keep me safe, help me grow, and hold my hand throughout every step forward. How lucky I am to love her and have been loved by her in her way. In our hug before I left her tonight, I found a reassurance within myself that that isn’t going to change, no matter what.