Light in Darkness.

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Dear A,

I left you a few hours ago, and after a week of torturous thoughts and agonising emotional upheaval, I feel calm. More balanced. I feel like each muscle has relaxed, just a bit.

You said tonight about wanting to help people but sometimes it not being enough. It has stuck with me on the way home.

If you ever feel that way about me when I’m having a meltdown, or with anyone really, please don’t.

L sees you as her superhero – you’re the good, the positive, the light, and when she’s with you, or listening to your voice, or reading your messages, the darkness and the intensity of the poison inside her, caused by what came before, is lessened. Very often the light you give me when she’s filled with darkness is enough to pull me out totally – and a lot of the time, I’ve internalised your positivity and light and even when she isn’t with you I can see how differently her and I react now. We both carry a part of the light you have given with us.

Sometimes, like last night, the darkness overwhelms the light. We spoke and you were amazing and yet I was still sobbing as we said goodbye – there wasn’t any calm for me yesterday. That’s not something you could have changed. But even though the darkness was winning last night, even though I was still so full of all that poison, you made it better. Less painful. Less toxic. More bearable. It feels a little like I am carrying a cannon ball, or an armful of cannon balls. Just picking up just one makes such a huge difference. Being one flicker of light in that darkness makes a huge difference.

I guess poison must win the game quite a lot, in the job you do. The darkness must win, it’s poison or sickness or disease, illness or injury, physical or emotional anguish. I feel like tonight I need you to know that just because sometimes it wins, that doesn’t change how fiercely I (or anybody else) value you. Even when the dark is overpowering the light. Even MORE so when the dark is overpowering the light. Standing by me in the dark, with the light you bring flicking alongside me, reminding me of all the light in my life on many other days, is the most comforting, supportive and giving thing you could do. Even if you don’t win on that occasion. Just standing strong is valued. Just bearing witness is valued. Being the person who brings light to darkness is valued. You are valued.

L loves you for being the light even when her darkness is terrifying, on the days when your light is enough to drown the dark out and even more so on the days when it isn’t. So please know that you are enough and you are valued, probably far more than you will ever know.

Much love and warmth and gratitude as always (and hope that happier, calmer days find us both soon),

Me and L x

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One response »

  1. Lovely. Sorry it is dark, but you know the drill better than most and know the light that has recently, at least, made more frequent appearances after the darkness. “You said tonight about wanting to help people but sometimes it not being enough.” I could have said this — any therapist could have said this. It is one of the hardest things a counselor must come to terms with. And we do, mostly, though our eyes do fill with tears from time to time, usually in your presence; fills with tears that you must suffer, than anyone must suffer, that the world is what the world is. But they also remind us of why we do the work and remind us that we are alive. Your gratitude helps make it bearable for A, I’m sure.

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