Absence Makes The Heart Bleed.

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So, as expected, T isn’t coming to our wedding. 

I’d asked her to tell me (confirm, really, I knew I was getting married too far away from her) by email before tomorrow’s session so that I could process the initial, agonising pain alone, instead of exposed in front of her. So she did.

I’m in the bath, bleeding from the tiny, fragile heart cut into my wrist and trying to remember that I knew this was coming and it’s better to know. Trying to remember I will still find her woven throughout my wedding day, just not physically. 

I am so angry with myself for getting married so far away. Little is screaming at me, telling me off. 

I could really do with some support, blog world. I feel like I’m dying. 

x

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10 responses »

  1. awww that hurts. She’s really important to you and you to her. I wish she could be there for you. On a practical level, could you guys come up with something to celebrate? Like do a skype call once you’re in your dress so that she can see and speak to you? Or do something symbolic together before or after the wedding or maybe she could give you something borrowed or something blue to wear?
    Please don’t cut anymore. You matter. And talk to her about this tomorrow. It will be okay xx

    • I will try to make a plan with her tomorrow. A Skype call is a good idea and of course I will show her the photos afterwards and bring her back some cake. I’d love her to be my something borrowed or blue etc but she’d have to offer that, I don’t feel I can ask.

      I feel like I’m dying tonight 😥 thank you so much for replying x

      • Why don’t you feel you can ask?
        I’m so sorry you feel like you’re dying, it’s really hitting a core wound isn’t it?

      • What do I say? She knows I will need ways to weave her through the day. I feel like I need her to tell me how she wants that to be done.

        I need this to be a human thing and not a therapist thing, if that makes any sense. I need her to take the lead because she loves me as a human, not wait for me to find a solution as a therapist.

        This is hitting whatever is at the core of everything, yeah. It’s agony.

      • So tell her exactly what you just wrote to me. Or write it and give it over. I understand the need for it to be something from her, something that speaks from the personal connection you both have. To be honest I don’t see it being too much of a stretch for her given that she’s cradled you in her arms and read your stories, not many therapist’s are brave enough to do that and she cares enough to give you what you need.
        When is the wedding? Is there time to process and think about it all with her?

      • Not until spring so yes there is plenty of time.

        You’re right. She is amazing and what’s so frustrating about this is that I’ve effectively stopped her from coming to the wedding by getting married so far away. If I was getting married near home she’d have been there, she’s always agreed she’d be there. It’s my fault Little is going to be without her.

        My session is this evening so I’ve only got to get through today. Thank you for being my friend today x

  2. That’s tough stuff. Little is so concrete, it’s hard for her to understand. I’m glad you’re seeing T tomorrow. You will settle this and get out of this space. You work so hard and there’s this very strong part of you that is already okay with it, even though it feels sad and disappointing. You know how to carry her with you and that’s what matters most. You’re amazing.

    • Thanks Bethany. Most of me knew she wasn’t coming because of the distance, but I think L was holding onto hope that she’d find a way to be there. L is now feeling like T is being very unfair for not travelling 300 miles…. she doesn’t understand. It’s a matter of the heart and not the head for her.

      We will move on. There’s just going to be a piece of my heart missing on my wedding day… which sucks.

      Thanks for writing xx

  3. The virtual solution sounds like a good one. “We will move on. There’s just going to be a piece of my heart missing on my wedding day… which sucks.” Remember that weddings often produce just this kind of effect — some old friend or relative is absent, a parent refuses to come or is deceased, etc. Cold comfort I know. You yet have time to make it a good day, with T being a part, even if a distant part of it. In the meantime, many of us clearly care.

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