Today has been fucking awful. Sorry for the woe is me post.
I’ve spent most of the day in bed. Immobile. Stuck. I texted T last night begging her to call me today, she’s said she would later (even though today isn’t a working day for her) so I spent most of today waiting to be picked back up by her. Literally stuck – frozen – waiting for her to metaphorically come and get me, pick me up, cuddle me.
It’s so unfair. I’m desperate for her to call and I’m also totally panicked about her calling. She deserves her time off, she deserves a break and she deserves a holiday with the real people in her life – she deserves a break from me. It’s unfair because I need her and because she needs to be away from me for a while. It’s unfair that I am totally and completely desperate to hear her voice and yet I am terrified that she is going to be cross with me for interrupting her holiday.
It’s unfair that I feel totally fucking awful today and at the same time like an ungrateful little bitch because there are people who have it SO much worse than me. I’m so blessed. I have living parents, living family, lovely friends. I am SO blessed. Every time someone tells me that other people have difficult Christmasses, I want to cut out chunks from my arms and legs because I feel so fucking guilty for being so ungrateful. There are some people who are going to have a really shitty holiday and it’s unfair that I can’t just be grateful I’m not them and feel better.
It’s unfair that people keep telling me that the Christmas spirit will take over soon and the holidays will be over before I know it! It’s unfair that people keep telling me that other people have difficult holidays too. It’s unfair that people keep telling me ‘oh but no families are perfect’. Or that I’m holding T up on a pedestal – that even her Christmas won’t be perfect. I KNOW THAT. I know that everyone has something that isn’t perfect at Christmas. But there is a HUGE difference between ‘not perfect’ and dealing with the hangover of an abusive, neglected childhood, huge trauma and all the leftover attachment stuff. It is hurtful and it feels minimising to keep telling me that nobody’s Christmas is perfect. It’s a million miles away from perfect. I would give anything, LITERALLY ANYTHING, to be in someone else’s ‘imperfect’ Christmas. To be a part of T’s ‘imperfect Christmas’.
It’s so unfair that I cannot just COPE and be fucking grateful that throughout the whole of the rest of the year, T and GP bend over backwards to support me – out of hours, during holidays, late at night, early morning, when I need them once a month and ten times in a week. The whole of the rest of the year, they do their absolute best to be everything I need them to be. They are amazing. It’s so unfair that I’m being such a little brat for the two weeks in the year that they need me to not be a brat.
I fucking despise myself today. Everything feels so unfair. I feel like an ungrateful little bitch.