The UNFAIRNESS of it all.

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Today has been fucking awful. Sorry for the woe is me post.

I’ve spent most of the day in bed. Immobile. Stuck. I texted T last night begging her to call me today, she’s said she would later (even though today isn’t a working day for her) so I spent most of today waiting to be picked back up by her. Literally stuck – frozen – waiting for her to metaphorically come and get me, pick me up, cuddle me.

It’s so unfair. I’m desperate for her to call and I’m also totally panicked about her calling. She deserves her time off, she deserves a break and she deserves a holiday with the real people in her life – she deserves a break from me. It’s unfair because I need her and because she needs to be away from me for a while. It’s unfair that I am totally and completely desperate to hear her voice and yet I am terrified that she is going to be cross with me for interrupting her holiday.

It’s unfair that I feel totally fucking awful today and at the same time like an ungrateful little bitch because there are people who have it SO much worse than me. I’m so blessed. I have living parents, living family, lovely friends. I am SO blessed. Every time someone tells me that other people have difficult Christmasses, I want to cut out chunks from my arms and legs because I feel so fucking guilty for being so ungrateful. There are some people who are going to have a really shitty holiday and it’s unfair that I can’t just be grateful I’m not them and feel better.

It’s unfair that people keep telling me that the Christmas spirit will take over soon and the holidays will be over before I know it! It’s unfair that people keep telling me that other people have difficult holidays too. It’s unfair that people keep telling me ‘oh but no families are perfect’. Or that I’m holding T up on a pedestal – that even her Christmas won’t be perfect. I KNOW THAT. I know that everyone has something that isn’t perfect at Christmas. But there is a HUGE difference between ‘not perfect’ and dealing with the hangover of an abusive, neglected childhood, huge trauma and all the leftover attachment stuff. It is hurtful and it feels minimising to keep telling me that nobody’s Christmas is perfect. It’s a million miles away from perfect. I would give anything, LITERALLY ANYTHING, to be in someone else’s ‘imperfect’ Christmas. To be a part of T’s ‘imperfect Christmas’.

It’s so unfair that I cannot just COPE and be fucking grateful that throughout the whole of the rest of the year, T and GP bend over backwards to support me – out of hours, during holidays, late at night, early morning, when I need them once a month and ten times in a week. The whole of the rest of the year, they do their absolute best to be everything I need them to be. They are amazing. It’s so unfair that I’m being such a little brat for the two weeks in the year that they need me to not be a brat.

I fucking despise myself today. Everything feels so unfair. I feel like an ungrateful little bitch.

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11 responses »

  1. In my own practice I was, early on, open to taking emergency calls, etc. even when I went on vacation. I did stop doing this eventually, but I know of other therapists who continue this practice throughout their careers. Your therapist has a choice in this — in keeping this possibility of contact open for you. It doesn’t make you bad if you exercise it.

    • She’s happy to and even over this break she’ll speak to me if I need her… but I want her to have the break she needs and the time with her real people not interrupted by me. I want to be strong enough to be able to be put down and cope until I’m picked up again 😦

      • I understand that and it is clear you are working on that. She knows you, so she knows you are doing the work. Just because the race isn’t over it doesn’t mean you are not running the race. Embrace the run, make the effort, use the time-present to work on yourself, and the time-future will come when you don’t contact her.

      • We’ve just spoken and she’s offered to speak again when I need to over the holidays. I feel calmer for it, I love her. You’re right, I am still very much running the race.

  2. How lovely is your therapist? So glad she’s offered you some contact over the break and that is calming you.
    People just don’t “get it” do they? If they’ve never experienced attachment neglect, they’ll never get it, they’ll never get how deep this runs.

  3. I think that in some ways the attachment wounds can be even deeper and harder to heal than the pure trauma wounds. I am so glad that you and T have come up with a solution that will allow both of you to have a decent holiday.

    It’s astounding how deeply the expectation for abandonment runs, isn’t it? And I see that you also say all of the terrible things about yourself before T could have any chance to say them, even though most of you knows that she wouldn’t ever say them. It’s so familiar to me. 😟

  4. Please don’t hate on yourself. You’re doing the best you can. You always do! Your T knows that too which is why she makes herself available to you when your best needs a little boost from her 🙂

  5. The holidays are often the hardest time of the year for people who are struggling. I’m glad that she did call you. I hope that you can take some time to be gentle on yourself. It isn’t your fault that relationships are scary for you. Keep “running the race” as the above comments say. I am really quite proud of you!

  6. I was sad to read you were hating yourself. You are a lovely person. Please don’t be hard on yourself. I am glad t called you and was willing to contact you through her break, that must feel good. xxx

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