It’s such an ugly word, isn’t it?
T tells me all the time that I am welcome to bring my anger to her. She tells me that it’s part of the work – that I don’t have to be a good girl with her all the time. She tells me that if I got angry with her, she would still stay. She wouldn’t leave no matter how angry I am.
When I told her last week that I had felt angry about her abandoning me, she told me I could tell her about it. Then we had a difficult discussion. I don’t want to tell her I’m mad with her because I want her to love me. I know that PROFESSIONALLY she would never leave me no matter what I say. But PERSONALLY? I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to say something that makes her close the door behind me and be glad I’m gone. I don’t want her to dread seeing me. I don’t want something I do to make her feel anything towards me that isn’t going to help her love me… it is already so hard not to feel that I am fighting against a tide of so many reasons why she wouldn’t love me and I never want to purposefully add something negative to that.
So it feels impossible to tell her I’m angry. But now she is away. AGAIN. And all I have to give is anger.
I hate that she’s away again after only a week back in work. I hate that she went away anyway even though she had only just got back. I hate that I can’t make her stay. I hate that me needing her to be here isn’t enough. I thought I would die with the pain of the separation at the end of our last session but she let me leave. Of course she did. But I hate that she did.
I hate that she is away and I am dying without her. Except it’s not dying. It’s almost worse. Because I won’t actually die. I will just feel like I’m dying until she gets back and then I won’t be anymore. Until the next time.
And I hate that. x