Hate. 

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It’s such an ugly word, isn’t it?

T tells me all the time that I am welcome to bring my anger to her. She tells me that it’s part of the work – that I don’t have to be a good girl with her all the time. She tells me that if I got angry with her, she would still stay. She wouldn’t leave no matter how angry I am. 

When I told her last week that I had felt angry about her abandoning me, she told me I could tell her about it. Then we had a difficult discussion. I don’t want to tell her I’m mad with her because I want her to love me. I know that PROFESSIONALLY she would never leave me no matter what I say. But PERSONALLY? I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to say something that makes her close the door behind me and be glad I’m gone. I don’t want her to dread seeing me. I don’t want something I do to make her feel anything towards me that isn’t going to help her love me… it is already so hard not to feel that I am fighting against a tide of so many reasons why she wouldn’t love me and I never want to purposefully add something negative to that.

So it feels impossible to tell her I’m angry. But now she is away. AGAIN. And all I have to give is anger. 

I hate that she’s away again after only a week back in work. I hate that she went away anyway even though she had only just got back. I hate that I can’t make her stay. I hate that me needing her to be here isn’t enough. I thought I would die with the pain of the separation at the end of our last session but she let me leave. Of course she did. But I hate that she did. 

I hate that she is away and I am dying without her. Except it’s not dying. It’s almost worse. Because I won’t actually die. I will just feel like I’m dying until she gets back and then I won’t be anymore. Until the next time. 

And I hate that. x

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4 responses »

  1. hi…so sorry this is so hard. why do our t’s have to be so important to us? sometimes it makes me so mad. because they are, and are we as important to them as they are to us? sending love and hugs, xx

  2. It’s okay to be angry. It’s understandable to feel angry that she is gone again. I really get being afraid to be angry at T, that you don’t want to hurt her or have her not like you personally, even if you know professionally she won’t leave. That is a good distinction to be able to make. I’m sorry it feels so bad to be angry with T, and I’m sorry she had to leave again. I know none of that feels good. Hugs. Xx

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