Breakdown. 

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So, everything fell apart this week. On Tuesday I just knew I could not go back to work. I knew I was done. I knew I needed to stop. 

A few days later (aided by MUCH diazepam…), things are a bit calmer. I managed to leave the house today. I washed, brushed my teeth, ate and dressed and then even managed to relax and enjoy myself for an hour or so this afternoon. Tonight is the first time this week that I have not been able to hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears. 

It’s funny. In a way I am SO much more settled now than I have been in the past. In the past I had months and months of distress and unbalance, but always managed work. I don’t know why I’m generally better, but stress has ruined me this week. Stress won. 

I’ve been sick repeatedly. My tongue hurts. I have ulcers covering my mouth. I have a very unsettled tummy. It’s as if the toxins are trying to get out. 

T is still away. I am worried that we are over. I don’t know how I can ever forgive her for leaving. It is not her fault but it’s not mine either and yet I am suffering without her here. So much is so bad and she is gone. I am worried I won’t be able to forgive such an abandonment. 

I hope a few days rest will help me rebalance. I hope a few days will help me forgive. X

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3 responses »

  1. You sound very rundown. I hope you feel better. You will find forgiveness for your therapist, you will find your way back. That relationship is solid. It’s not going anywhere. X

  2. I think that being more settled and less fragmented actually makes it harder to function in daily life when things are falling apart, it’s like we lose some of the ability to dissociate the pain away and continue on with daily life. Or, that’s at least how I have experienced things, it’s like the parts of me aren’t separate enough to allow one part of me to continue functioning while other parts are melting down.

    I can’t imagine the pain and hurt and anger you are feeling at T for leaving. Of course it feels like abandonment, and even though it’s no one’s fault, it is okay to be angry with T.

    I don’t think you and T are over. I think she will come back, and I think of you can tell her about your angry, worried feelings, you will work through them. T will accept them, and she will still like you. She cares a lot about you. Bea always tells me things can be worked through and be okay as long as no one leaves (permanently leaves, like her running away I sometimes want to do).

    I hope that a few days rest will help you feel balanced again. Be kind to yourself. It’s okay to feel however you feel. Xx

  3. sorry you were sick. I’m sure the rest will do some good and you’ll be able to forgive t. She loves you, and deep down you know that. She’s not leaving. Just on holiday. xx

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