So, everything fell apart this week. On Tuesday I just knew I could not go back to work. I knew I was done. I knew I needed to stop.
A few days later (aided by MUCH diazepam…), things are a bit calmer. I managed to leave the house today. I washed, brushed my teeth, ate and dressed and then even managed to relax and enjoy myself for an hour or so this afternoon. Tonight is the first time this week that I have not been able to hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears.
It’s funny. In a way I am SO much more settled now than I have been in the past. In the past I had months and months of distress and unbalance, but always managed work. I don’t know why I’m generally better, but stress has ruined me this week. Stress won.
I’ve been sick repeatedly. My tongue hurts. I have ulcers covering my mouth. I have a very unsettled tummy. It’s as if the toxins are trying to get out.
T is still away. I am worried that we are over. I don’t know how I can ever forgive her for leaving. It is not her fault but it’s not mine either and yet I am suffering without her here. So much is so bad and she is gone. I am worried I won’t be able to forgive such an abandonment.
I hope a few days rest will help me rebalance. I hope a few days will help me forgive. X