So I got married! And it was wonderful. It was amazing in every way and I loved every single minute!
Now the confetti has settled I feel a bit unsettled! I’m back into the routine of work and T is on holiday. Our session time is coming closer but we don’t actually have a session this week.
I feel a little lost without her. I’m also not quite sure how I feel about seeing her. I love the ambivalence inside me….. not.
T and I spoke on my wedding day. She rang when we’d agreed and within about 2 minutes I had said goodbye… I hated hearing her voice and knowing she was so far away. I felt so much heartbreak and upset on what was already the happiest day. I expected it to be lovely to hear from her but instead I hated it. We texted after the ceremony, when I sent her a picture and a video of me walking down the aisle. You look fabulous. Thank you, she wrote.
In our last session before the wedding, I gave T her card and present. I was then entirely lost for words when she gave me a card and present back, too. We spent the rest of our session chatting about the excitement of the wedding, with the small package sat at my feet, confusing and exciting me.
I opened it to find a beautiful card and the sweetest, softest, squishiest tiny bunny rabbit.
This tiny, gorgeous rabbit (called Bella as she has a bell in her tummy!) holds so much for me. I was convinced T would feel the therapy boundaries too strongly and not even give me card, so for her to choose to give something so meaningful to us fills me with so much love. She is such a perfect symbol of our relationship. Bella was tucked into a bag on my wedding day, close by, and she helped me to feel that T was close by, too.
So it was too painful to speak but T’s present gave me an amazing symbol of her on the day. Now, though, I feel unsure how our next session will go. She wasn’t there for such a massive day. I feel awful for still feeling the distance even when she did something so lovely to make me feel close to her. I want to show her the videos of the ceremony and the speeches, flick through photos with her and tell her all the funny bits and the sweetest bits and the bits I wished she had been there to see. But we have 50 minutes and that’s not enough time and probably a huge waste of her time. After all, she’s my therapist, I’m her client. Not her friend.
I feel a small amount of trauma trigger that she missed something big. This was a GOOD big thing but I feel the trigger from all the BAD big things that people important to me missed before. It’s a totally different situation… and yet I feel distant from her because of it. I feel like there might always be the gap between us, that she missed a big thing. I remember feeling so alone and separated from adults who I knew loved me or cared for me but hadn’t noticed the big things happening. I feel the same here. It aches.
I emailed T last night to say I was missing her. She replied back in a really warm and friendly way, telling me a little about her holiday and telling me she had been thinking about me. That helped. But I still feel unsure.
I’ve just had a mental image of the princess and the pea. Me, the princess, sat on top of stacks and stacks of ‘mattresses’ of wedding love, happiness and sweet little bunnies. So lovely. But that hard little pea… I’m still feeling it.
And that makes me feel selfish and ungrateful and cross with myself. I know T won’t think the same of me. But I do.