The Selfish Princess and the Tiny Pea.

Standard

So I got married! And it was wonderful. It was amazing in every way and I loved every single minute! 

Now the confetti has settled I feel a bit unsettled! I’m back into the routine of work and T is on holiday. Our session time is coming closer but we don’t actually have a session this week. 

I feel a little lost without her. I’m also not quite sure how I feel about seeing her. I love the ambivalence inside me….. not. 

T and I spoke on my wedding day. She rang when we’d agreed and within about 2 minutes I had said goodbye… I hated hearing her voice and knowing she was so far away. I felt so much heartbreak and upset on what was already the happiest day. I expected it to be lovely to hear from her but instead I hated it. We texted after the ceremony, when I sent her a picture and a video of me walking down the aisle. You look fabulous. Thank you, she wrote. 

In our last session before the wedding, I gave T her card and present. I was then entirely lost for words when she gave me a card and present back, too. We spent the rest of our session chatting about the excitement of the wedding, with the small package sat at my feet, confusing and exciting me. 

I opened it to find a beautiful card and the sweetest, softest, squishiest tiny bunny rabbit. 

This tiny, gorgeous rabbit (called Bella as she has a bell in her tummy!) holds so much for me. I was convinced T would feel the therapy boundaries too strongly and not even give me card, so for her to choose to give something so meaningful to us fills me with so much love. She is such a perfect symbol of our relationship. Bella was tucked into a bag on my wedding day, close by, and she helped me to feel that T was close by, too. 

So it was too painful to speak but T’s present gave me an amazing symbol of her on the day. Now, though, I feel unsure how our next session will go. She wasn’t there for such a massive day. I feel awful for still feeling the distance even when she did something so lovely to make me feel close to her. I want to show her the videos of the ceremony and the speeches, flick through photos with her and tell her all the funny bits and the sweetest bits and the bits I wished she had been there to see. But we have 50 minutes and that’s not enough time and probably a huge waste of her time. After all, she’s my therapist, I’m her client. Not her friend. 

I feel a small amount of trauma trigger that she missed something big. This was a GOOD big thing but I feel the trigger from all the BAD big things that people important to me missed before. It’s a totally different situation… and yet I feel distant from her because of it. I feel like there might always be the gap between us, that she missed a big thing. I remember feeling so alone and separated from adults who I knew loved me or cared for me but hadn’t noticed the big things happening. I feel the same here. It aches. 

I emailed T last night to say I was missing her. She replied back in a really warm and friendly way, telling me a little about her holiday and telling me she had been thinking about me. That helped. But I still feel unsure. 

I’ve just had a mental image of the princess and the pea. Me, the princess, sat on top of stacks and stacks of ‘mattresses’ of wedding love, happiness and sweet little bunnies. So lovely. But that hard little pea… I’m still feeling it. 

And that makes me feel selfish and ungrateful and cross with myself. I know T won’t think the same of me. But I do. 

X

Advertisements

6 responses »

  1. Congratulations, so lovely to hear it went well. Your T loves you, so glad she gave you a gift. When I had my baby T gave her a tiny soft rabbit, I borrow it sometimes when it all gets too much. Hope your T’s holiday isn’t too long. Sending love and light x

  2. So happy that the wedding was so lovely. I love the little rabbit! And yes, that “pea” (I’ve experienced it in different ways) is so unsettling and makes you hate yourself for being “picky” and “ungrateful” (this is what I say to myself). You hit the nail on the head. Part of you remembers no one being there for big things that happened previously. Of course it will still hurt – and what also hurts is that the person who probably knows you best, can’t fill the role of a friend. It does hurt. I’m sorry. Thinking of you, and Bella 🙂 xx

  3. Congratulations on you wedding. I love your rabbit, she’s so sweet.

    I think perhaps you could do all those things you talked about wanting to do in session with T – showing her videos and photos and telling her all about something that made you very happy. It’s not wasting time or you asking her to be a friend rather than a therapist.

    Think of it this way: therapy is supposed to help model relationships for outside of therapy, and part of that is learning how it feels to share the happy memories and feelings as well as the bad/sad ones, and having the experience of someone being there for you regardless of what you are sharing. Learning how to accept love and caring. Internalising that good, ever-present, ever-loving parent actually *needs* to have experiences like this with your therapist.

  4. You’re married!!!! Congratulations ❤
    The rabbit is adorable!!
    I think your therapist will expect you to still have hurt feelings over her absence. She already knows how hurt u were that she couldn’t be there. But I understand how you feel that you’re nit-picking. But you’re not. Also… watching bits of the wedding video is a lovely thing to do with her, I think she’d love to do that.

  5. Congratulations!!! I’m so happy for you, and glad to read that the day was wonderful.

    I can imagine having T miss such a big important moment is painful. After all, she is your secure base, your attachment figure and she has been there through lots of big moments. It makes sense that this would feel like a loss, or a disconnect in your relationship. If you want to talk about the wedding and look through photos and just share the joy and the small moments with T, I don’t think that is a wasteful session at all. We can need to process good things just as much as we need to process hard things. I think T will understand

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s