Everything is a mess.
I sent my email and then a few hours later sent her a WhatsApp message. I’ve just sent you an angsty angry awful email trying to escape and now I’m crying so hard I can’t sleep because I can’t not need you. I’m a mess. I’m sorry. And this picture.
She didn’t reply that night but did the next morning. I am so sorry that it is feeling so hard for you at present. I am very happy to see you on Thursday but understand you may want to cancel it. You don’t have to try in any way. What is important is you just being.
I got a WhatsApp message from you that made me unsure whether you were cancelling on Thursday or not. What does your heart want?
This frustrated me. What does my heart want? Surely that’s the entire issue. I don’t know. I just don’t know.
So I replied.
Little’s heart wants to see you, spend time with you, come every day forever until you die and then she will die too so that’s fine. She wants to come because if she’s with you then she can be good enough that you will love her and being together means love and if we are together enough then you will love her enough to adopt her and that love will be so great that it will erase all the awful bad things and she will just be totally cocooned in you so she won’t feel this bad and she will be okay forever.
Sass’ heart thinks Little’s heart is stupid, that you’re dangerous, and that if you knew that we were always going to struggle with these attachment panic periods then you should never have let us get this attached and you should have let me leave (uni), kill myself and find peace that way. Sass thinks this whole emotional attachment thing is stupid, she knows we are totally unloveable and always has been and can reel off all the people who came before you that ‘loved us’ but not enough and who eventually left and now you’re doing the same. She thinks L and I are intensely stupid for ever believing you could be different. She also thinks I’m stupid for repeatedly pouring salt into a wound. She knows that I know you can’t love me enough to cure this so she thinks I’m intensely dumb for coming back week after week to feel all the love I feel for you but then to leave and feel that attachment tear. She thinks L is pathetic, I’m stupid, she thinks you suck and she wishes I would just get on with ending it.
My heart doesn’t know. I just know I need to feel better because I can’t hold this weight of feeling anymore. But I don’t know who of the two above to listen to.
I don’t know what to do. Any decision is agony.
She didn’t reply.
Later that day I asked to talk. She said she was too busy, but that she would be very happy to see me on Thursday.
This caused anger. You have to be happy to see me. It’s your job. That means nothing. I don’t know what to do.
Eventually I emailed to cancel. She needs 48hours notice of cancelling and I don’t want to get charged.
This morning she replied to say she hoped I had a good week…she would see me next week.
Which triggered a meltdown, a begging for her not to leave me…
So now I am waiting for her to call. Waiting. Wanting to die.