Back and Forth.

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Everything is a mess.

I sent my email and then a few hours later sent her a WhatsApp message. I’ve just sent you an angsty angry awful email trying to escape and now I’m crying so hard I can’t sleep because I can’t not need you. I’m a mess. I’m sorry. And this picture. 

She didn’t reply that night but did the next morning. I am so sorry that it is feeling so hard for you at present. I am very happy to see you on Thursday but understand you may want to cancel it. You don’t have to try in any way. What is important is you just being.

I got a WhatsApp message from you that made me unsure whether you were cancelling on Thursday or not. What does your heart want?

This frustrated me. What does my heart want? Surely that’s the entire issue. I don’t know. I just don’t know. 

So I replied.

Little’s heart wants to see you, spend time with you, come every day forever until you die and then she will die too so that’s fine. She wants to come because if she’s with you then she can be good enough that you will love her and being together means love and if we are together enough then you will love her enough to adopt her and that love will be so great that it will erase all the awful bad things and she will just be totally cocooned in you so she won’t feel this bad and she will be okay forever. 


Sass’ heart thinks Little’s heart is stupid, that you’re dangerous, and that if you knew that we were always going to struggle with these attachment panic periods then you should never have let us get this attached and you should have let me leave (uni), kill myself and find peace that way. Sass thinks this whole emotional attachment thing is stupid, she knows we are totally unloveable and always has been and can reel off all the people who came before you that ‘loved us’ but not enough and who eventually left and now you’re doing the same. She thinks L and I are intensely stupid for ever believing you could be different. She also thinks I’m stupid for repeatedly pouring salt into a wound. She knows that I know you can’t love me enough to cure this so she thinks I’m intensely dumb for coming back week after week to feel all the love I feel for you but then to leave and feel that attachment tear. She thinks L is pathetic, I’m stupid, she thinks you suck and she wishes I would just get on with ending it. 

My heart doesn’t know. I just know I need to feel better because I can’t hold this weight of feeling anymore. But I don’t know who of the two above to listen to. 

I don’t know what to do. Any decision is agony. 

She didn’t reply. 

Later that day I asked to talk. She said she was too busy, but that she would be very happy to see me on Thursday. 

This caused anger. You have to be happy to see me. It’s your job. That means nothing. I don’t know what to do. 

Eventually I emailed to cancel. She needs 48hours notice of cancelling and I don’t want to get charged.

This morning she replied to say she hoped I had a good week…she would see me next week.

Which triggered a meltdown, a begging for her not to leave me…

So now I am waiting for her to call. Waiting. Wanting to die.

Still waiting.

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11 responses »

  1. Ouch ouch ouch. Her replies were kind of misattuned at the end there. She’s maybe replying when in the middle of something or busy. That’s normally when I get a shitty response from my therapist. Or maybe she’s honoring the part of you who really wants/needs a break, and honouring the adult part of you who know what’s best for you all. I don’t know, but that’s the wrong move with people like us. I kind of wish she’d just said ” get your arse here on Thursday. There’s no cancelling. Be here.” I think that’s what you needed to hear. My therapist does that with me sometimes and it makes me go and it also makes me laugh.

  2. Woooooow this is bloody hard stuff!!!!! I know that the last thing you need or want is someone saying something bad about your Therapist (I know I wouldn’t react well) but she hasn’t been at all sympathetic or caring in my eyes at all!!! Perhaps I am missing something? You poor thing, no wonder you feel so completely at loss with what to do! You needed a little more holding from the sounds of it… how long have you been working with her? I think it’s clear that you don’t/didn’t want to cancel you were testing her and pushing the boundaries in the hope she would tell you she was there and that you really should come, that she would like you to see her Thursday…. it seems so obvious from where I am that the cancellation is just the push and pull of attachment trauma – I know I push away when I’m most needy out of fear! Ah I wish I could say something to help you but I hear you and I understand how god awful and overwhelming this feels. I really do!!! C

  3. Attachment trauma is dreadful and tends to rear it’s nasty head even after so much healing, doesn’t it?

    This has been a period of so much growth and healing over the last year or two for you. Settling into a job. Meeting and marrying your life partner. I don’t know if this resonates for you or not, but I’m reminded of a time when my therapist asked me outright, “are you afraid to get better because you think that I won’t be here for you anymore if you do?” You have gotten so much better and it may be terrifying the younger parts of you that the now you is solidly moving into adult life.

    In my opinion, I think that you need to be consistent for the sake of the parts of you that don’t understand the reality of now. Meet with your therapist. Take in as much security and love as you can. Help the young parts start to take in that now really might be different from the horrors of then.

    Sending so much support and hope that you are able ease this pain and terror and move forward soon.

    • Thank you so much for your support. Your comment was so helpful…. You’re right, sometimes it feels like never getting better might stop people leaving. It was the right thing to do to meet with her. Definitely. Xxx

  4. I echo all the above comments. I was thinking as I read your post that you have grown a lot and that can feel so scary, because it can feel like if you get better you will lose your attachment figure. I was also thinking how when I am comparing my “real life” relationships with my therapy relationship, it always seems like the relationship with Bea is lacking— she can’t care the way a friend would, she can’t reach out to me– I have to do the teaching, etc, and that comparison leaves me sad over therapy relationship. I do think therapists care, and they are there for us to the best of their ability, and I do believe T loves you, and little and sass. It does seem like she has been pretty misattuned to you and your needs. Maybe it would be worth talking about this even though it is really hard to do?

    This all sounds so painful. Sending hugs. Xx Alice

    • Thanks for your comment. It really helped me to share with T how I was feeling. I believe she loves me too. It’s just so unfair that sometimes I find thst so hard to hear. Thanks for the hugs. Hope you’re well x

  5. I hope you have gotten in to see her. She is imperfect. We are all imperfect. But everything about your history with her has suggested there is something in the relationship worth saving and working on. This event, too, may eventually be a hard step toward something good. Good luck.

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