I’m writing because it is keeping my hands busy when what I really want to be doing is destroying myself.
I’m really sorry.
I am so worried about us, and I am so worried about me 😦 I went to R today feeling really positive, that there was going to be a plan in place and I would start making steps forward. I had considered that maybe she wouldn’t want to see me more [I had hoped she would see me fortnightly] but I guess I hadn’t actually processed it.
It was so helpful to talk everything through with her and she was reassuring that she wholeheartedly believes that you care about me and she said a number of times that the work is in my relationship with you and how important it is that, even if this is the beginning of our end, we still talk all this out before making the decision, the importance of a planned ending etc…she was wonderful.
…but she “doesn’t feel comfortable” seeing me more until she’s run it through with her supervisor (who is helpfully away for a while)… and I just felt that no matter what the supervisor says, clearly she isn’t comfortable and I respect that. She must have said a hundred times that it’s a professional thing and not a personal thing, how much she cares etc…. It still made me sob though after quite an adult session.
She ran over with me for about 40minutes because I was sobbing and she didn’t want me to leave like that but it was almost impossible to calm down knowing I had to leave her for a whole month without the stability she brings.
I kept saying that now there is no plan…and R kept saying that there is, that you and I can make a plan, that she trusts our relationship. But it all feels totally hopeless because you don’t feel stabilising at the moment, I feel like we have hours and hours and HOURS of talking to do and I just know that that means there are weeks and weeks of sessions to go, that an hour is never enough to even begin to talk about all the list of my worries for us. So does that mean, now that R won’t see me, that I’ve got months ahead of more instability and heartbreak with you? R reeled off so many things she felt you and I needed to talk about, each of them sessions worth in themselves and I feel totally lost now. I really needed R to give me a sense of stability and now it’s a month until I see her and that’s awful.
Little told R she is scared of you 😥 it makes me feel sick to hear her say it, what on earth have I done to destroy her security like that? How have I managed to ruin everything?
I love you so much, I just want this to be okay again. I was hoping R would have a magic cure to this, that she would give me the stability I need which would give me the strength to talk everything through with you for as many sessions as we need. But she can’t and I just feel like the sky is crashing down around me. I need us to be okay again…. And I know that’s going to take a lot of work and I honestly don’t know if I have the strength. I am so, so scared. I feel totally exposed and vulnerable and I don’t know how to keep on going.
Please don’t get mad with me. I think I will shatter into a million fragments if I hurt you again. Please just tell me that you’ve been thinking and you’ve remembered that actually you do have the magic cure… you know just what to do to make us okay again and to make me okay again. Tell me you’ve found the superglue to stick me back together, the glue to stick us back together. Please tell me you have a plan that doesn’t involve my raw, open, bleeding heart being exposed to weeks of further cuts and bruises.
Please tell me you love me and that is all we need and we are going to get through this low together and that this is not the end and that we are going to be okay and that I am going to be happy and beautiful and free one day and that this sad, ugly, trapped me will all be a painful sharp memory. Please tell me I am going to survive this.
I am sorry for everything I am that hurts you. I’m sorry for this. I’m sorry for everything that came before this. I’m so so sorry. We love you and we didn’t mean to ruin us.
The pictures in this post are from Pinterest… they are lyrics from ‘Liability’ by Lorde. https://youtu.be/BtvJaNeELic