R was so wonderful yesterday.
I respect her for being honest about her feelings and telling me the truth of her uncertainty. She could have agreed to see me more but then backtracked later… she could have agreed but then not been emotionally able in the extra sessions. I hugely value her for her ability to be honest with me, even though she knew it would hurt me. I really value her strength in holding strong to her own boundaries, whilst showing me how much that hurts her, and simultaneously holding my pain.
Pain doesn’t really cover it. I put my head on my knees and sobbed, repeatedly saying I’m okay I’m okay I’m okay. You’re not okay, R said. It’s okay that you’re not okay.
Still crying, I got up to leave. She pulled me into a cuddle and I sobbed into her shoulder, huge, loud, squeaks mixed in with hyperventilating gulps. Are you really okay to leave? R said. I can’t stay here forever! I squeaked. I pulled away from her cuddle and put my hands to my hair, pulling and tugging to try and gain control. No, I don’t want you to leave. Come on, sit down, she said, walking backwards into me until my knees hit the sofa and buckled. She sat on the end of the sofa with me, holding and stroking my hand.
I have no plan, I sobbed, I really wanted you to have a plan. I know I’m an adult but I need a grown up to step in and save me. You do have a plan, R soothed, and she recounted to me the steps I was going to do. I don’t want you to leave feeling like I don’t care. I care about you so much.
Eventually I reined in the tears enough to not be actively sobbing. I pulled my hand from hers, trying to start the separation… she followed my hand with hers, held it and placed it on my leg, then squeezed it once more and finally patted it a few times before she let go.
It was immensely soothing to feel that she was finding the ending difficult too.
I stood up to leave and said something light about how next time I see her I will be on holiday. She said she definitely felt this would be a huge help. And then I left.
These are our texts since.
It melts my heart that, on a Sunday when she will be busy with her little boy, she has taken the time to connect with me. My heart aches with all the pain it’s in at the moment…. but inside all the pain there is a little ball of love, warmth, colour and positive energy from R. Love her.